Those life-changing conversations: Part 1

(Disclaimer–Before I freak anyone out just by the headline, I am not talking about a recent life-changing conversation! You didn’t miss anything like that while you were gone! :-P)

The best that I can figure, one year ago today (or maybe yesterday, not quite sure), I had one of those conversations that you never know it at the time, but that end up changing your life…or being the start of your life changing.

I was driving home from somewhere, and took a detour through a neighborhood that some friends and I had talked about moving into, to live intentionally, live in community, etc. As I meandered, I noticed a sign for a neighborhood meeting that coming Thursday, and I thought that maybe one of my good friends would want to attend the meeting with me, because we are just cool like that.

So, I gave Tony a call. I told him what was going on, and he was definitely interested in going to the meeting. But what should have been a 5 minute conversation didn’t end there. We talked for another 45 minutes, as I drove home, had something thrown at my window by a coworker, scaring me to pieces, and wandered around the sidewalk in front of my house.

I remember bits and pieces of that conversation, as we talked about friends in common, how interested we both were in living in the city, with a group of people, and just loving people there.

And at one point in the conversation, he asked me how my date had gone.

Just a few days before, on the previous Friday, I’d gone out on a date with one of my best friends from college, because everyone thought we were going to get married, and we finally decided to try dating.

Our group of (girl) friends had been so excited for that date…everyone except for me. And I didn’t even know that Tony knew about it. I told him that honestly, the date was like going out with my brother. My heart just wasn’t in it.

The conversation shifted back, and we continued talking about how much we both wanted to live and make a difference in the inner city, and our careers. I think we talked about how we both wanted to work in education on some level. It was so neat and relaxing to just share thoughts and dreams in common.

And somewhere, in the middle of that conversation, it hit me. Really hit me. The boy I had gone on a date with, for reasons that had changed and grown so much over the 4 years we had been friends, wasn’t right for me, and never would be.

And in a way that God has used in other moments, it hit me that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be with the man on the phone, but he was proof that there were guys out there that were a much better fit for me! In other words, God showed me that I needed to look at the bigger picture.

Or maybe, God showed me that I was finally ready to see who was right beside my heart the whole time…just waiting for me to see what he saw.

I can remember another distinct moment, a few weeks or a few months later, I’m not sure, where I remember thinking “I wonder if he’ll ever realize that we could be good together?”

It would be months later, as my feelings developed more, and I finally admitted to one person that I had feelings for him (which ended up being a total God-thing on the timing of that conversation, but that’s a story for another day), when I finally realized that he had realized that long before, and was just waiting for ME to realize it.

And about that conversation one year ago…looking back now, I can see that that night was when I started to fall in love.

Catching up…

Much like the quote that I share in my “About me” page, I tend to write about the little things that happen, but completely skip over the big events.

In the past few weeks, I’ve managed to NOT write about:

• Being accepted at University #2
• Resigning my job
• Accepting a new (part-time) job, perfect for going to University #2
• Getting a call from University #1 about interviewing for an assistantship that I originally interviewed for in March
• Having that interview moved up
• Actually having that interview, as a phone interview
• What God has taught me through this whole process
• Musings on just how much has changed in the past 6 months, and how much I’ve changed and grown, even if I haven’t realized it happening

And so, I could tackle a lot of those topics, but for now, I’ve got one post on my mind, one that I’ve been planning on writing for a quite a while.  So, let’s go back to the past before I tackle these posts from the current. 

Things I’ve learned over the past few days…

1. That a double stroller really doesn’t fit very well, if at all, in a Honda Accord.  And it barely fits in a Toyota Camry.  And they call them “family sedans”.  Ha.
2. That curtains that have to be ironed before they are hung up are of the devil.  The devil, I tell you.
3. That my house may not have curtains.  (See above point.)
4. Just kidding, I’ll totally have window treatments, but you bet they’ll be permanent press!
5. I can’t wait to have a house!
6. All this cleaning and organizing has not made me leery of having my own place, instead it has made me more ready to be doing this for myself.
7. I’m eager to try using green cleaning products.
8. I have a very different cleaning/organizing style than my mom, and that causes some cleaning clashes.
9. That I’m going to (strive to) take on the cleaning in my own house in a much different way than what I grew up with.  I mentioned as much to my mom last night, who actually started laughing at me.  HA!
10. That I miss cooking on a regular basis.  And that I enjoy planning multiple meals at once, versus this one meal here and there I’ve got going on now.
11. While going through all sorts of old papers and notes, I found two handwritten notes from my maternal grandmother (who I was very close to, and who died 13 years ago) to my paternal grandmother (who I am also close to, and is still living).  Everything from the handwriting to her sense of humor, and just the fact that she took the time to write those notes made me think all the more that she is the kind of woman that I want to be like.  And so there I sat, all alone in the house, in my room, that doesn’t really feel like mine anymore, sunlight streaming in, surrounded by old school papers, a stack of papers for the recycling bin that was terrificly tall, struggling not to cry.

Well, it’s time to finish tackling the last few cleaning projects of the day, as well as finish up figuring what on earth I’m cooking for a nice dinner tonight.

Sorting through so much.

What kind of vacation is sorting through a crazy amount of stuff?  Well, it’s kind of a crazy one, but I’m liking it so far.  It’s kind of a pain, but it’s making me wish I was out on my own/had definite plans to be, and I know that this is something that definitely has to be done before that.

I’ve found a whole bunch of picture frames.  Now I just need to decide what shots go in them…and where they are going to go.  And a little while ago I found a bag hidden in a corner, filled with these carmel-colored window panels, that I got for a steal at a garage sale last summer.  Now those, those need another house beside the one I currently reside in to find a home.

Tomorrow, more sorting of stuff that came home with me from college, as well as some paperwork and hopefully some photo-editing, and taking my personal laptop for repairs, clothes to the resale stores, and looking for a double stroller for friends.

I’m liking this vacation thing. :-)  In fact, it’s going to be hard to head back to the normal routine.  But, only a few more weeks of the “normal” routine!  (Which reminds me…I never actually wrote about that decision and experience!)

The Little Things…

Most of the time, I find myself wanting to run ahead, wanting to get to that next big step.  And I’m so impatient.

But then moments happen like late tonight.  When I realize that I truly love the pace that we are going.  That it’s helping me to fall a little at a time, and to realize that this is truly something that I want, and truly something that I want to last.  And to just realize that I’m ok…that I’m not going to run.

Tonight, it was the touch of your rough stubble on my cheek.  It was a feeling that I had wondered if I would be ok with, and in just a heartbeat, I realized that I liked that feeling…that I loved that feeling…that it was comforting…that I would be just fine feeling that for years.

Timing.

This next year six months may be the wildest I’ve ever experienced, and may just be the wildest for quite some time.  I’m alternating between forgetting that anything is changing to bursting out laughing because I can’t quite grasp it all.  And I keep being blown away by the fact that this is my life. For so many reasons.

And sometime, sometime… in the course of today, I’ve gone from thinking “Oh my gosh, I can’t handle all this change at once!” to thinking “Oh, what the heck! If I’m gonna change one thing, might was well change everything!” (Not sure if that’s good logic or not, but it’s progress of some sort!)

P.S. I keep thinking that I should google one of those Christian books for what questions to ask in a serious relationship. And then I start laughing at myself. Because I threw the rest of the Christian books out the door ages ago, so why would I start now? And because, as much as I would like to be, I just don’t think so many people fit in those molds, and I really don’t think we do!
Disclaimer–I do believe there is value in that kind of book, taken in moderation, for some people, somewhere.

This Surreal Life

Wasn’t that the title of a bad reality show? Hmm…

Anyway, I’m getting the feeling that my life may never stop being surreal and never stop surprising me.

Just when I think I might just possibly have something figured out, something else throws me for a loop.

At this point, there are only two three things I know for sure.

I know that this relationship keeps blowing me away, and I’m amazed that IT is quite possibly the most stable thing in my life. I never saw that coming.

I know that within the next month, we both are going to have to make decisions, or have decisions made for us, that are going to dictate where I (we?) spend the next year, and quite possibly the next two. There are current jobs on the line, at least one possible new job, educational opportunities, housing changes/opportunities. It’s just a little daunting at times. One day at a time…

I know that I love Jesus, and I want to follow Him with others, and I’ve got a renewed hope for dreams that have been pushed to the side for too long. I’m excited to pursue these dreams with friends, new and old!

And maybe that’s all I really need to know. That I need relationships around me (I have great friends, all around), that I can take things one day at a time, that I need to keep running for dreams, and that I love Jesus.

The First… #2

Tonight is the first time that I’m setting my alarm to make sure someone other than me is up for an important meeting.

8:30 a.m. Edit-Ok, so I didn’t actually call or text to make sure that the someone else was up, but I did wake up and pray for him at that point…hopefully that counts!

The First… #1

Tonight was the first time that I wrote my thoughts in an email instead of a blog post.

A new day.

I was just thinking about all of the things that I have to do at work tomorrow, and how much I’m dreading it.

And I made a decision.

Life is too short for a job that I don’t want to be doing, don’t feel called to do, am not giving my best to, often don’t feel like I’m making a difference, and oh yes, really don’t agree with most days.

As I wrote several months ago, I want my life to be about influencing and loving people, from college students, to house church family, to family, to my children and my husband. And while I will very much miss several friendships at my current job, and the flexible schedule, there’s so much more that just isn’t worth it. That just isn’t ministry, isn’t real, isn’t church.

So. Today begins a countdown.

While I’m planning on going to Akron this fall, I still have to be accepted there, so that’s not a done deal. But Kent is. So, one way or another, I think I’m going somewhere in the fall. Or, I’ll be taking another job elsewhere.

If I have anything to do with it, Friday, August 1st will be my last day. That will give me three weeks before classes start to catch up on a lot of things around my house, and get ready for the next stage of my life.

(Small side note. It’s hitting me that the “next stage of my life” may be coming a little sooner than I was thinking. Not quite sure what to do with that.)

I’m kind of proud of myself because for the first time, I was able to say “in a few years, when I’m done with grad. school and in my first real job (funny, I think that might mean I’ve never felt that the current job is real, or permanent…), I’m going to buy myself that for my house.”  Normally, I’m thinking in abstract terms, or things that aren’t quite feasible, like buying myself a hybrid car for my 25th birthday.  (This was later revised to buying a digital SLR camera, but at this point, I’m going to be a grad. student living on loans, so that’s not going to work.  Um…also, almost added something else for what I might be by next January.  Whoa now.  Crazy brain. For the two of you that read this, it probably wasn’t as bad as you are thinking!)

ANYWAY, yesterday I was standing in an antique store in St. Elmo, Illinois (population 1,500!), and came across this book shelf.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a book addict.  And am eagerly awaiting a place to keep said books.  I’ve always liked mission style furniture, and now I know that it goes hand in hand with my favorite style of house, the Craftsman bungalow.  This particular book shelf had a sold sign on it, which may be a good thing, because I really didn’t need to talk myself out of buying a book shelf several states away.  (Even though some ebay research shows that it was a FANTASTIC deal.  Boo for when I go to buy one in the future…)  My fascination was further raised when my dad made a comment about the book shelf in regards to P.H. Welshimer, a very prominent minister at the church I grew up at, and in the Restoration Movement/Christian Church as a whole, and one that both my dad and I have written major research papers on.  Dad said that there is a picture of P.H. standing beside a bookcase just like this one!

(The one is actually an antique, and is quite a bit larger than this one.  But how amazing is this, with the spinning-ness, and the mass amount of books that fit on it!)

I’m really excited to have something to symbolize this new adventure…who knows where I’ll be living in two or three years, and just how my life will be different, but I’m excited to have finally made some decisions!

Abba Father, help me to follow Your will in all things.