Relax

For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like I’ve finally let myself relax.  While staying up too late, and staying awake instead of going back to sleep when I woke up far too early, and feeling a slight twinge of guilt for not reading a textbook, I just was.

I wrote, openly thinking through, processing, sharing some of the deepest thoughts that have come from a week of processing.

I read, savoring a book I bought last weekend, written by the lead in my favorite, and the musical that means so much to both of us.  As is usually the case with a good book, I couldn’t really force myself to stop reading.  But I so needed that.

Without even trying, I allowed myself to mentally disengage from the massive to-do lists always crowding my mind, and all of the details that had so thoroughly overwhelmed me earlier this week.   And in doing so, I was able to, in a way, come full-circle to the situation, and be aware and at peace that things are changing, and the life I knew, which is already so different than just a year ago, or even months ago, is going to change more.  But I am committed to that, committed to love, committed to building a life together.

So I sit with my coffee, freezing because I forgot to turn off the AC, and enjoy the quietness of this house.   And wonder how much longer this will be my house.

And slowly, turn back to the dishes in the sink, the research to be done, and the emails to be sent.  But I’m keeping this spirit of peace, of calm with me.  This is now life as I know it, and that has me grinning.

Amazing.

This was the most surreal night of my life. I’m happy, but blown away!

…And quietly, the last door shuts.

It’s been nearly two months since I left my job in full-time ministry.  And it feels like a lifetime.  At the same time, when I’m missing the friends, or even some of the tasks (for the mastery or the creativity I enjoyed), it seems like just yesterday, and I almost miss it.

And then there was today.  I stopped by the local “Christian big box store”  (really, that’s almost what it is) to pick up a book that was on sale.  Because a bargain book table is my weakness, I of course had to look.  I spent a few moments there, and then wandered over to the greeting cards.  What I found left me shaking my head at the irrelevance of the whole thing.  I was looking for a nice, simple and romantic “Love you” card, and I found next to none.  The ones that I did find were all from one company, and they were just sort of…missing something…and almost “holier than thou”.

I walked back over to the books, almost forgetting that there was a special section for books for people like me-the postmodern, college-age, emerging church crowd.  I stopped to look and found books by ministers with some whacked out theology, ones to tell me how to survive my 20s, and some books on quitting church and doing things differently.  Hmm, that last one had promise.  Until I picked it up.  Turns out it’s about the ministers of churches can get the people back.  THAT wasn’t what I’m looking for.

Disheartened by the one section that might have helped me, I went to check out.  And again got side-tracked by the bargain books.  I found “The Five Love Languages for Singles”, “…Kids”, “…Teenagers”, the special men’s edition, and “The 5 Love Languages of Apology”.  And it was there I realized that I’d completely had it.  That 90% of the store was totally out of sync, out of touch, irrelevant with my own life.  And I’m supposed to be one of the ones that’s still in the church.  What about those people long gone?  Or those that never “got it” to begin with…?

I drove away realizing that another door had closed, and that I don’t really want it to open again.  The life that I’m looking for…

• means building a strong marriage before it starts, with a best friendship at the core
• is about being the church not going to church
• involves teaching my children this from the very beginning
• is about taking care of the environment as God’s creation
• is about a world so much bigger than the US
• is about realizing and being ok with not following party lines…that even though I totally agree with McCain’s stance on abortion, there are so many other issues at play
• involves figuring out what being green means, in everything from where we choose to live to making the choice to not buy Tupperware because of plastic leaching.
• is about raising children who are used to loving people, following Jesus, being green, and so much more, in all sorts of frameworks, not the limited ones we grew up with
• is about a career that I’m passionate about, in whatever form “career” ends up being
• is about finding some answers (or more questions?) for why so much of my “churched” education didn’t seem to teach me very much at all about life outside the bubble

And so much more…

P.S.  I know some of this sounds harsh, and I probably don’t mean all of this as blatant as it came across.  I do believe that there are institutional churches and Christian books…but there are also some major flaws in the systems.

The First #3

You know, I would be the only one that would somehow manage to accidentally say those three little words.

Ok, so it wasn’t quite by accident, as I thought long and hard about what I was saying (writing), but it was out of the blue, and not how I would have planned it, and funny, and…just so us.

5 More Days…

This time next Monday, I’ll probably be sitting in this exact same spot, at my kitchen table, writing on a laptop, just like I am now.

But it will be my personal laptop, and for the first time in a year and a half, I won’t have to go in to the office.  I’ll be DONE.

I’ll be finishing up final paperwork for graduate school, and for the assistantship that I did get (WOOHOO!), and figuring out what to cook for dinner.  And what to healthy/green-friendly/freezer friendly casseroles I can cook over the next couple of weeks to have ready once I start the new job and grad. school.  And I’ll be catching up on my favorite blog.  And reading.  And finish decorating my room/space…and/or wishing I was moving out.  And…just BEING.

I can’t wait.

With all the craziness that’s going on this week, with finishing up at RiverTree, trying to quit the job at OCEA that I never officially started, when the boss won’t call me back, Tony’s big lecture having him so busy, changes/dreams for the house church never far from my mind, and getting ready for relatives to visit,  next Monday feels like paradise.

P.S.  I realize that Monday is in 7 days, but the 5 days in the title refers to how many days I have left at work, including today. 

God’s Timing, Part 1

Whenever I forget or start to question if God has things in control, all I have to do is think of our friendship and relationship.

Three years ago, I was an intern at RiverTree.

That same summer, this sentence was written in a post by your best friend:

My wife and I went to Nashville on Thursday of last week, along with my best friend and his fiance, for the wedding of a good friend of ours.

Since I read one of Jared’s older posts months (a year?) before I ever met you all, chances are I read that post too.

Also crazy, you were attending RiverTree that summer too.

God knew just when we needed to meet, and how. And I’m so grateful for His guidance about you, and about our entire group of friends!

It’s absolutely astounding that three years passing would bring me leaving a full-time job with RiverTree in just a few days, and me being the one you travel with now.

God’s timing is nothing short of amazing.

Those life-changing conversations: Part 1

(Disclaimer–Before I freak anyone out just by the headline, I am not talking about a recent life-changing conversation! You didn’t miss anything like that while you were gone! )

The best that I can figure, one year ago today (or maybe yesterday, not quite sure), I had one of those conversations that you never know it at the time, but that end up changing your life…or being the start of your life changing.

I was driving home from somewhere, and took a detour through a neighborhood that some friends and I had talked about moving into, to live intentionally, live in community, etc. As I meandered, I noticed a sign for a neighborhood meeting that coming Thursday, and I thought that maybe one of my good friends would want to attend the meeting with me, because we are just cool like that.

So, I gave Tony a call. I told him what was going on, and he was definitely interested in going to the meeting. But what should have been a 5 minute conversation didn’t end there. We talked for another 45 minutes, as I drove home, had something thrown at my window by a coworker, scaring me to pieces, and wandered around the sidewalk in front of my house.

I remember bits and pieces of that conversation, as we talked about friends in common, how interested we both were in living in the city, with a group of people, and just loving people there.

And at one point in the conversation, he asked me how my date had gone.

Just a few days before, on the previous Friday, I’d gone out on a date with one of my best friends from college, because everyone thought we were going to get married, and we finally decided to try dating.

Our group of (girl) friends had been so excited for that date…everyone except for me. And I didn’t even know that Tony knew about it. I told him that honestly, the date was like going out with my brother. My heart just wasn’t in it.

Edit:  How I forgot to put this in when I first wrote this out, I have no idea. After I shared with him about the date, and how it didn’t go well, Tony matter-of-factly said “Yeah, I don’t think you two are right for each other.”   At that point he was the ONLY one that had said that!  End edit.

The conversation shifted back, and we continued talking about how much we both wanted to live and make a difference in the inner city, and our careers. I think we talked about how we both wanted to work in education on some level. It was so neat and relaxing to just share thoughts and dreams in common.

And somewhere, in the middle of that conversation, it hit me. Really hit me. The boy I had gone on a date with, for reasons that had changed and grown so much over the 4 years we had been friends, wasn’t right for me, and never would be.

And in a way that God has used in other moments, it hit me that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be with the man on the phone, but he was proof that there were guys out there that were a much better fit for me! In other words, God showed me that I needed to look at the bigger picture.

Or maybe, God showed me that I was finally ready to see who was right beside my heart the whole time…just waiting for me to see what he saw.

I can remember another distinct moment, a few weeks or a few months later, I’m not sure, where I remember thinking “I wonder if he’ll ever realize that we could be good together?”

It would be months later, as my feelings developed more, and I finally admitted to one person that I had feelings for him (which ended up being a total God-thing on the timing of that conversation, but that’s a story for another day), when I finally realized that he had realized that long before, and was just waiting for ME to realize it.

And about that conversation one year ago…looking back now, I can see that that night was when I started to fall in love.

Catching up…

Much like the quote that I share in my “About me” page, I tend to write about the little things that happen, but completely skip over the big events.

In the past few weeks, I’ve managed to NOT write about:

• Being accepted at University #2
• Resigning my job
• Accepting a new (part-time) job, perfect for going to University #2
• Getting a call from University #1 about interviewing for an assistantship that I originally interviewed for in March
• Having that interview moved up
• Actually having that interview, as a phone interview
• What God has taught me through this whole process
• Musings on just how much has changed in the past 6 months, and how much I’ve changed and grown, even if I haven’t realized it happening

And so, I could tackle a lot of those topics, but for now, I’ve got one post on my mind, one that I’ve been planning on writing for a quite a while.  So, let’s go back to the past before I tackle these posts from the current. 

Things I’ve learned over the past few days…

1. That a double stroller really doesn’t fit very well, if at all, in a Honda Accord.  And it barely fits in a Toyota Camry.  And they call them “family sedans”.  Ha.
2. That curtains that have to be ironed before they are hung up are of the devil.  The devil, I tell you.
3. That my house may not have curtains.  (See above point.)
4. Just kidding, I’ll totally have window treatments, but you bet they’ll be permanent press!
5. I can’t wait to have a house!
6. All this cleaning and organizing has not made me leery of having my own place, instead it has made me more ready to be doing this for myself.
7. I’m eager to try using green cleaning products.
8. I have a very different cleaning/organizing style than my mom, and that causes some cleaning clashes.
9. That I’m going to (strive to) take on the cleaning in my own house in a much different way than what I grew up with.  I mentioned as much to my mom last night, who actually started laughing at me.  HA!
10. That I miss cooking on a regular basis.  And that I enjoy planning multiple meals at once, versus this one meal here and there I’ve got going on now.
11. While going through all sorts of old papers and notes, I found two handwritten notes from my maternal grandmother (who I was very close to, and who died 13 years ago) to my paternal grandmother (who I am also close to, and is still living).  Everything from the handwriting to her sense of humor, and just the fact that she took the time to write those notes made me think all the more that she is the kind of woman that I want to be like.  And so there I sat, all alone in the house, in my room, that doesn’t really feel like mine anymore, sunlight streaming in, surrounded by old school papers, a stack of papers for the recycling bin that was terrificly tall, struggling not to cry.

Well, it’s time to finish tackling the last few cleaning projects of the day, as well as finish up figuring what on earth I’m cooking for a nice dinner tonight.

Sorting through so much.

What kind of vacation is sorting through a crazy amount of stuff?  Well, it’s kind of a crazy one, but I’m liking it so far.  It’s kind of a pain, but it’s making me wish I was out on my own/had definite plans to be, and I know that this is something that definitely has to be done before that.

I’ve found a whole bunch of picture frames.  Now I just need to decide what shots go in them…and where they are going to go.  And a little while ago I found a bag hidden in a corner, filled with these carmel-colored window panels, that I got for a steal at a garage sale last summer.  Now those, those need another house beside the one I currently reside in to find a home.

Tomorrow, more sorting of stuff that came home with me from college, as well as some paperwork and hopefully some photo-editing, and taking my personal laptop for repairs, clothes to the resale stores, and looking for a double stroller for friends.

I’m liking this vacation thing.   In fact, it’s going to be hard to head back to the normal routine.  But, only a few more weeks of the “normal” routine!  (Which reminds me…I never actually wrote about that decision and experience!)