Over the past few weeks, I’ve had these twinges of emotion hit me several times. I have these moments where I wish that things could be easy. When I wish that I could what my family, my background, and the young woman I was a few years ago all expect of me. I’ve heard of several churches in neat locations that are looking for staff, like one in a great Columbus neighborhood, or a suburb of Washington D.C., and I think “Why couldn’t I just be called to be a church administrator in DC?”
Those moments pass quickly, which I am very thankful for. I immediately think how ridiculous it is that I am even thinking these things. I know I am where I am called to be. Ok, correction. I know some areas of my life are in my calling. Others, like career…well, those are still up in the air.
Long trips with my dad are always interesting, because he always brings up church growth principles, and usually how they relate to the house church. (yes, I’m aware that those two terms are pretty oxymoronic…he, however, is not). I know that my dad and I think very differently when it comes to ministry, but I’m kind of used to that.
There are several major issues/principles that I am struggling with, trying to figure out just what I believe, and what that means for my life. These include worship music, preaching, church buildings, and worship as a whole.
While I guess I’ve known in the back of my mind that these (not just the issues listed in the previous paragraph, but everything I’ve talked about in this post) could/were going to cause major issues in my personal future, it wasn’t until tonight that it’s really starting to hit me that this is going to cause major relationship changes with my family. And that scares me. I don’t want things to change. I want my naivety back.
(I have no idea what to make of the fact that I just blatantly stated that I view my background in the Christian church/my family as naïve.)
I wrote a while back that I realized I was bucking family tradition by not being married or engaged at age 20. Tonight I realized that isn’t the only tradition that I’m bucking. (Also, it was really strange being the only single one with 4 couples). I’m taking steps to be the only one not working in ministry. To be the only woman that isn’t in some way a ministry wife. And in this side of the family, that’s huge. At least, there’s always the higher education bond. My dad was a college president, mom was an assistant at that college, my aunt works for a community college, my uncle is a college president, and one cousin’s husband is a campus minister at a major state university. No matter what, we all have some sort of background in higher education, so that’s good.
Those specific issues that I’m dealing with hit me a little while ago, when I was telling my mom that it was going to be strange to be going to a small local church in the morning. My church is a house church, but I am very acclimated to a megachurch culture. But a small church is a very different animal… I said something that made her think I was having trouble with traditional music. I couldn’t bear to tell her that it was religious music, period, that I find myself questioning often. She said something about “well, even if it’s traditional, can’t you still worship?” To which I couldn’t answer “but what is worship really?” So I said, actually, it’s more the preaching that will be hard. Because, there’s such a different mindset from a small town church from a suburban megachurch from a missional church from a house church. So, what will I struggle with most tomorrow? I’m going to say the preaching. But I’ll just have to see.
Sidenote-as I’m typing this, I’m suddenly went “HEY!” Y’all that were saying I couldn’t handle traditional music seem to have forgotten that I actually connect more with traditional hymns (and so do you!).
[A few sentences were removed, because they were blatantly discussing an issue I didn't really want on here....or didn't want to say out loud, one of the two!] …And I’m ok with the forward looking. I guess what I’m reeling from is what happens when I look back.
But I don’t think I can go back. At all. Like I wrote earlier in this post, I can’t just take a job running a church somewhere. I can’t just move to a small town and work in real estate and go to the local church. I don’t know what following Jesus will look like, but I know, for me, that it isn’t looking back.
Angie and Trevor, Jared and Tina, Tony…I’ve always been able to see some similarities in our church backgrounds, and how we are affected by them. But I just never realized that I would be facing many of the same problems with my family. I really don’t think things would ever get drastically ugly, but at the same time, it’s with these people that as I figure things out, I’m going to have to be really honest, and be prepared to deal with misunderstandings, loss of common ground, and relationships that grow apart.
Help.
Abba Father, guide me as I search for the true meaning of family, amidst so many other answers that I’m searching for. Help me not to burn bridges, but to show love and grace even when people don’t agree. Amen.
