Excited

So, like I was early this morning, I’m procrastinating again, but this time I’m wide awake. (And I really shouldn’t be, since tomorrow will be a mad dash of picking up signage for work, making sure I’ve got all the paperwork submitted and faxed for the grad school application, getting ready for a leadership event on Saturday and the normal Friday chaos…all in the midst of a snow storm. Yay for Ohio.)

Several times today, I’ve stopped in the middle of what I was doing, and realized that I am just plain EXCITED.

A crazy experience this morning with a woman at a major university who *SHOULD* know what she was talking about reminded me just how huge the disconnect is between what the administration and staff of a university think students know/need to know, what they share with students, and what the students know, as well as how they interpret what those in authority say. It’s crazy.

And I want to be a part of fixing these disconnects. I’m so excited about my future career! So excited to work with, be a part of, and (hopefully) change policy, and above all, impact students lives.

Today was a love/hate day at my job, and while I love so many of the people that I work with, I’m excited to get out of there. Yes, I’m idealistic in thinking that I can change policy in a university, when I can’t change it in the local church, but hey, a girl can dream. And, ironically, in the long-term, the way I do see myself changing policy is at a small private college, and many of these are religious. Everything in my family history, personal background and education, and even my faith background leads me back to such a school…but…I don’t know where I will stand after I leave RiverTree, and everything that will come from really walking away. (If I can REALLY walk away.)

Strangely, on a day when I finally feel so at peace and excited about my academic and career future, I’m feeling kind of leery about a couple other things in my life.

I think maybe it’s finally the commitment-phobe rearing its head. And my paranoia of being too stalker-like. (Been there. And I seriously regret that.)

And I’ve realized that when I’m scared/don’t know what to do I procrastinate/sabotage things (this happened shortly before college graduation, when I didn’t know what to do. My friend Brandon did it too.) So maybe I’m not ok with three major issues in my life actually working smoothly for a change. Hmmm…psychoanalyzing myself.

I also think that all this talk of careers has brought out a little of the dormant “independent career woman” that I used to be. Not that I’m not independent. It’s so odd…It really wasn’t that long ago, but the differences between who I was then, who I became in college (hello, future youth minister’s wife!) and who I am now make my head spin.

Ok, wow, this post turned into Debbie Downer. Can’t have too much of that right now. (I’ll put myself to sleep!)

Off to go incorporate the “I’m excited” philosophy into my “purpose statement”. Hey, is that like a purpose-driven statement? (I crack myself up sometimes!)

By tomorrow at this time, all this paperwork will be done, and hopefully celebrating will be done with friends, so I can get some sleep! (And, yeah, write Sunday’s discussion time…which I remembered in a flash this afternoon! Nothing like adding to the stress of the week!)

Good grief, I feel like I could write pages. Wait, maybe that’s a good thing, since I need to GO WRITE!!!

P.S. Coming to a blog near you–A completely honest, open post about relationships in the Bible college setting, from someone who never thought the same way as many her peers, and most definitely does not now!

Abba Father, Your will, Your timing, just You.

Bleary-Eyed

It’s 7:15 a.m., and I’m sitting in my dark kitchen, forcing myself to write out a purpose statement for my grad school application.

Ugh.

Never been so sure

…of nothing.

Since I’ve spent so much time lately thinking about both the future and the past, I was thinking tonight that I can’t remember another time in my life where pretty much EVERYTHING is up in the air.

-Church. (that’s church as in the institution, not the body of Christ or my faith)

-My job. (see above. It’s crazy that I have to describe it that way. But regardless of the fact that I work in a field that I don’t want to be in for the rest of my life, there’s definitely the matter of what organization I’m in said field for. Sigh.)

-Residence. (Um, I really want my own place. (I thought about this next sentence for a full minute before I decided that I could type it.) Life changes fast, and before too many changes happen in my life, I really want to have my own space. Well, make that my and my best friend’s space. As much as I like my alone time…Marie, I definitely want to share an apartment with you!

-Love. This could fill a small bookshelf, so I’m just leaving this alone right now. But know that I love people. Actually, that’s pretty much it, on this aspect of the topic. I want to love people. And what I do in the name of “ministry” is getting in the way of ministry (of loving people).

The only thing (besides family) that isn’t up in the air is the concept of house church, and ours in particular.
For some reason, the whole concept has been driven home to me so many times over the past week. All of the thoughts and feelings kind of collided yesterday, as we sang after communion. I looked around at each face, each going through such different things, feeling many drastically different emotions, but everyone, from 5-year-old Katelyn to 20-year-old Marie, to thirty-(freaking)-one-year-old Doug were singing.

This girl doesn’t really cry, but I had to struggle not to right then. It was as if everything that has happened over the past few weeks all reached this crazy crescendo point, and I realized that no matter what, I wasn’t leaving. Ever since I first thought maybe I was supposed to be back in this area after graduation, it was ALWAYS a temporary thing. Even two months ago I was still putting out feelers and networking for jobs elsewhere. I’m not saying that I won’t move, or that I don’t want to live in a bigger city, because, um, DUH. And really, it isn’t the place, it’s the people.

Seeing Katelyn stretched out over Tina’s lap, with her feet sticking off the sofa, singing her heart out to “that song where the guys sing and the girls repeat”, it hit me. I want my kids to do that. To learn about God and Jesus and faith in this community. Or a community like this. To hear impromtu discussions about accountability sparked by a communion discussion (Tony, I have no idea how that discussion transitioned the way it did, but I’m so glad it did. Wait. Tony, if you are reading this… Haha. Seriously, whoever’s reading this, let me know! ) To be held accountable, in the good, Biblical sense of the word, not the crazy, beat you over the head with things sense of the word. To learn to cook from crazy “aunts” and “uncles” who want to help teach life to kids. Yeah, to learn, no, to live that life is because of the people around us, and the grace, love, and hilarity they give.

It’s 3:00 a.m., and I have a meeting in the morning. And a bunch of stuff I didn’t do tonight.

P.S. And yeah, if you really want to read between the lines, that crescendo point during the singing wasn’t just about kids…but about my life in this group, and all that entails, and that bullet point above ‘house church’. It’s another thing that I feel this way about- I can’t leave, and I don’t want to, and I’m not trying to.

And that’s a pretty big deal. That I’m not trying to. For the first time.

Abba Father, Your will be done.

Sunday Morning Thoughts

(Ok, so I wrote this in the middle of the night Saturday, and was going to post it Sunday morning.  But that didn’t happen on 2 hours of sleep.  But…here you go anyway.)

I could never be an every week preacher.  Every Saturday night I would be like “CRAP! I’ve got 8 hours to write an amazing sermon.  Not only would I be stressed out like crazy, (and um, not to mention the fact that 1) I’m a woman, and the idea of a woman preaching every week still is slightly odd, 2) I don’t see myself in a traditional church again, with the regular paid preacher, and 3) I’m really beginning to not believe in the Biblical accuracy or relevancy of preaching as we know it (but don’t tell my dad or that preaching major that I’m good friends with, ok?)), but I would be leaving God out of it, because I would think I could (or would have to) do it all! 

 That crazy college class comes back to haunt me again, as I do understand the point of planning ahead, in some ways, to let God speak that way. 

 But it’s just funny that we are talking about practical atheism today, and I find myself practicing it. 

 Last night, sitting in a downtown coffeeshop, drinking great drinks, silently reading together and challenging our views and what we’ve always known, and watching white snow fall on black city streets.  I could do that all the time. 

 Um, so I’m really, really, really loving Jon McLaughlin.  Wow, what a piano man.  His stuff has been on continuous play, that’s for sure. 

Coming soon…

A collection of stories from the past few years (from my old blog), along with how the stories ended (or have continued)!

But for now, I leave you this.

It’s from May 16, 2006.

“Tonight, ah.  Tonight I found myself in a group of people that truly made me feel at home.  I left the parental misunderstanding that ministry, a life of service, and even money, is worlds away from what they know, and was myself, worshipping in my own way, talking ministry, photography, institutional church, crazy expensive buildings (look for that topic coming soon to a blog near you!), and so much more.  I met new friends, and they remind me of the ones I left a week ago, and I can see that while I miss my friends so much, these new friends may be in my life to help me grow so much more in this season.  I left with a huge smile on my face, and am so excited to get to know these people more, and serve side by side with them!“

It’s the night I met one of my best friends, and two other close friends.  I love that I wrote that they “may be in my life to  help me grow so much more”! 

And the really funny thing?  That night, it was the four of us with a group of people from another group, but no one else from (what would be our) house church group.  Last night, for probably the first time since then, it was the four of us without anyone else from the house church.  That’s WILD how full-circle we’ve come!

I’m tired.

I was just about to write about how tired I am of the continuing chaos of different “models” of doing church. Even in a house church environment, there are still models.

I just want it to be about Jesus. People and Jesus.

But then, I found what I’d been looking for for months, only I hadn’t quite realized it.

(By default, they are people without models.  On purpose.   And that’s something that I haven’t seen in quite some time!)

Almost a year ago, I challenged a preacher on what Biblical preaching is, and if what is done today in the name of preaching is actually Biblical at all.

I’ve had that idea in my head all this time, but haven’t pursued it any further. And then, I found this-
http://www.edgenet.org.nz/ideasfromedge/problemwithpreachings.htm

It’s full of quotable lines, including “Ministers need to preach – it’s part of their job, ministry and purpose in life. They have been trained to preach, love preaching and usually do it well. It is difficult for a minister to question an essential part of the job they are employed to do.” And this would be why I got into a debate in a ministry class my last semester of college, with a preacher professor–PRIDE.
(I really need to remember what class that was…I think it was something I was already realizing that I didn’t want to take, like church administration…if I only knew.)

ANNNDDDD….I’ve been struggling lately with music. With so many of the praise choruses, and some hymns, and honestly, why we sing. (Feels like heresy to say that, with all my music background.) If our lives are supposed to be worship…

And I can’t shake the thought that if I weren’t a Christian, I would think it was utterly idiotic to stand in a big group and sing songs about God being my friend and how things are “Not To Us”, because the fact that you are standing there, singing these words in a large box that cost millions of dollars and is used for what (especially during the week)? Yeah.

So, just now, I found this article. I love the sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek writing, and more than that, it’s amazing knowing that I’m not alone in this thinking!
http://www.the-next-wave-ezine.info/issue105/index.cfm?id=28&ref=COVERSTORY

Two of my favorite quotes-
“But those were different times. To witness through worship, the unchurched actually need to show up.”

“The upshot? For all the money, time, and effort we’ve spent on cultural relevance—and that includes culturally relevant worship—it seems we came through the last 15 years with a significant net loss in churchgoers, proliferation of megachurches and all.”

So, wow. It’s enough to make me quit my job tomorrow. Oh wait, I didn’t really need a reason. But, it does give me a lot more reasons why I can’t stay in a place that I don’t agree with!

It’s going to be a scary day when I write out the things that I don’t think are beneficial/Biblical anymore. I remembering just why I wrote that post out in Missouri, talking about losing common ground and damaging relationships with my family.

The thing that I really want to strive for is not going off the deep end on what I don’t agree with (because I’ve done that before). I still want to build bridges, not tear them down, and I want to love people, no matter what. Instead of going to the far end of the spectrum, and coming back, I want to try not to go so far to the end…but stay with at least a moderate understanding of the middle. But I wonder if that’s possible…

I feel free. Excited. Adventurous. Hmmm… Ok, time for bed. More thoughts on this later, I’m sure!

Investing My Life

I want to invest my life in people. Period. End of story.

Through conversations, asking questions, challenging myself and others, being a friend, showing love, I want to invest in people.

There are three main ways that I am really seeing myself do this:

1. Through relationships
   1. In a house church
   2. Through intentional relationships through my job, the community, life
2. Through college students
   1. Challenging/Encouraging/Building Relationships through academic advising and career counseling
3. Through family
   1. Husband (Someday)
   2. Children (Someday)
   3. Extended family

I’m excited to have some clarification in these things.  For some reason, God seems to be clearing my vision over the past few days.  Through this, and the continuing [related/unrelated] issues at my job,  I’m seeing more clearly that this is not my long-term future.  So, for now, I’m going to focus on getting things organized, and finishing well, and pouring what time and energy I have into the thing that I am passionate about.   People.

Free and Trapped

(This is about 1/4 the length it originally was, because wordpress makes me want to punch myself in the face.)

It’s funny how one comment can put everything into perspective. And sometimes, that perspective just wasn’t what you wanted to hear. More on the comment later.

Instead of a random reason here or there, and a growing sense that there was perhaps somewhere else that I should be, the past few days have really made me realize that there is at least one other place/group/church/family where I want to invest my life and time.  (Not to mention that being in the bubble is really getting to me again.  Seriously, isn’t something wrong if the bubble DOESN’T get to you?  How many people don’t even realize that there is a bubble?)

So I’ve really been feeling a freedom, a release to move on, to grad school, to another job, but regardless to focus more on the house church, without such an odd divided loyalty.  As I was discussing that with Tony tonight,  I mentioned in passing the pending grad school application, and all of a sudden…

SCREECHING HALT.   I realized that I can’t just get a job right now and then leave it in 6 months to go back to school.

So this leaves me with the following options.

1.  Keep my current job indefinitely.
2. Get a new job and put grad school on hold for this fall.
3. Stay at my current job until August, and then start grad school.

I really can’t see myself working in straight marketing, and I really do see myself in higher ed, which means a master’s degree.  So, it really looks like I’m stuck there for awhile.  (Unless I can come up with a way to earn enough by freelancing/working at Robeks, etc.

I have a meeting in 6 and a half hours that I’m not terribly optimistic about.  It’s like we (the church) is stuck in this bizarro world where 20% of the time there is encouraging talk of moving forward in really neat ways; 70& of the time we appear to be stuck in status quo, doing half-baked projects; and as for the last 10%, we actually seem to be moving backwards, in terms of organizational processes and structure.  Good grief.

BAD WORDS!

*%&^%&^%&^%&^%&^%%#%$#$%#%$#%$

I just wrote this really long, really in-depth post, and it ^%#$%$&^&^ ATE IT!!

Ok, and now back to your regularly scheduled not cussing posts.

Love…

…is funny.

That is all.

(Or maybe it’s fun.)