After all…

After all this time, all the emotions, after life just happened…

I can’t believe how the last few days have gone.  I’d say how I’m feeling, but it seems to change every 15 minutes.

Pretty much every major part of my life is in some state of chaos right now.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’m running on auto-pilot.  I keep wondering when I’m going to crash.

I’m trying to figure out why, in some ways, I’m not feeling very much.  I think maybe I immediately plastered big, huge walls around my heart, in an attempt to reduce the damage.  And because of that, I’m dealing, but I don’t know how.  Also, I’m trying revert back to where I was heading before,

How can one simple (or not) email cause such insanity?

I have no idea what I want, and I’ve got this subconscious feeling that if I stop to try to figure it out, I’m going to just lose it.  (In some way, I don’t think that would be so bad.  I think maybe I need to just let myself truly feel for a little while).

Amidst the chaos that has my heart and head completely upside down, is good chaos that reminds me that at least one part of my life is in positive transition.  I’ve got graduate assistant interviews on Monday, and that’s really exciting.

What do I want, and what does that mean?  Abba Father…help. 

P.S. If you are reading this with a feed reader, check out my new layout.  It’s not ideal, but I do like it.
P.P.S.  You might like this video.     (Since I know who most often reads this, I can say things like that.  Ha)

Different

In those times when I have myself sufficiently stressed out because of you…

it’s you that calm me down.

My independent self doesn’t quite know what to do with that.

Abba Father, Your guidance…in everything in my life.

Looking forward.

Today was an absolute flash forward day. 

 I had an interview to get into a grad. program.  The interview went really well, and it was great to meet some of the faculty and even a few students.  Everyone seemed really welcoming. It was amazing to be back on a college campus…there’s just an energy there, and I absolutely love it. 

 It’s been hitting me in several ways tonight just how big of a deal that is.  Even though some doors seem to be shutting, and I am really glad, I’m beginning to have a little trouble thinking of actually closing that door.  I really need to remember that it’s not be that will be closing that door. 

 So I was standing there in the place that may well be my home for the next two years.  Since there are other several other things that could change in the next two years, I think in some little way I’m clinging to that place, the one I’m not really at yet, to be some sense of normalcy. 

 In the interview, in talking with other faculty, and in talking to a couple of students I was reminded all over again of the disconnect between students and administration, and just how much I want to work to change that.  

After the interview, I called a grad. student friend of mine to see if she was on campus, and even though she wasn’t, I ended up talking to her for quite a while.  That was both encouraging and challenging, to learn more about the GA (graduate assistant) program, and to hear some of the crazy things (opportunities) that Lindsey is facing as she works to build friendships and not exclude her faith as she does so.

 So excited!

 And then tonight…

 We started a new study in our Bible study, and I think the difference in the topic, and even the format led to me the crazy feelings.

At one point I was sitting there listening, thinking, and I looked over, and it was just like I was in a time warp.  Like I could see this exact same thing happening 5 years down the road, you leading a family room full of neighbors and friends, halfway across the country (maybe). 

 When I finally snapped out of it, I actually glanced around and was every so slightly startled when I realized where I was.  SO. SURREAL. 

 And the funny thing is I can clearly remember a conversation at least a year ago, maybe longer, where we talked about starting just such a study for our neighbors.  I can honestly say that I had absolutely no idea how things would change between then and now.  Wow.

Um, yeah, so things are changing for me.  And that’s really, really exciting.  There’s just no other way of putting it.  J

Abba Father, more of you and your dreams.

P.S.  Disclaimer—I’m in no way saying that I don’t absolutely value or love our group. For this particular flashback, however, I could just see a different season of life.

Valentine’s Day is just a little different for me.

I originally posted this on Valentine’s Day 2005,

but I felt it deserved reposting.
I added new thoughts at the end in 2006, and again this year.

Valentine’s Day in a Different Light-Originally Posted Feb. 14, 2005

For many girls, young or old, Valentine’s Day is a day of romance, of dreams—of longing for the future or rejoicing that the future is now. Like these girls, I do dream of love, and all of its joys. But for me Valentine’s Day holds a much different significance.

 

February 14, 1995. 10 years ago today, was one of those life-changing moments that you never forget, and leave your heart irreparably altered. From the time I was born, I was close with my grandmother on my mother’s side of the family. A loving, warm, and sweet Christian lady, she doted on her granddaughters. When I was 4, she moved to Canton to live near us, and the next years were filled with fun, as we spent lots of time together, and also pain, as she had arthritis and other health problems. I can remember going to sleep at my house, but waking up at Grandma’s apartment because she needed my mother during the night. I spent many days riding my little bike around the apartment complex, and swimming in the pool. She went to church with us, sang with us, taught us how to be proper young ladies, and to be strong Christian women. In 1994 she moved into an assisted living facility, but was still her same old cheerful self, just with a few more health issues.

 

On the afternoon of Valentine’s Day, 1995, I was visiting my favorite teacher in her classroom after school when my dad showed up. We went home, and my parents sat down with me, and told me that my grandmother had passed away suddenly that morning. Shock washed over me, and now, ten years later, I can’t help but think of how Valentine’s Day will always hold a different meaning for me, and how over the years, as taught me a deeper appreciation for love on this day.

 

The love that my grandmother showed me, and taught me to live has woven itself through all aspects of my life. When I think of her, I think of being a “proper” young lady, practicing manners and respect. I think of my mother’s unselfish love as she cared for my grandmother through the years. Grandma’s faith in the Father also comes to mind, and her ability to stay optimistic and positive, and have fun, even when times were tough, or she was in great pain. My grandfather also comes to mind—I never met him, as he died 5 years before I was born, but I know that my grandparents had a wonderful relationship, built with a foundation of God and family.

It is these attributes and so many more that I hope to practice as I grow up, and I thank God for the heritage and the family He gave me—one of perseverance, faith, and LOVE.

 

 

“Grandma Ginny” and Me-1989

 

February 14, 2006. It’s been 11 years now. That’s half my life. I really can’t believe it. This past Christmas was hard without you. I stood outside of First Christian with Mom, Aunt Patti and Adrienne, and it just seemed like we needed to walk across the driveway and see you…like that one Valentine’s Day and 11 years had never happened.

I think that you would be proud of your girls. Your daughters have raised three Christian young ladies, one married to a campus minister, one getting ready to graduate from Bible college, and a third getting ready to go to Bible college in the fall. And your three great granddaughters…they too are being raised as little ladies, so sweet and funny. No matter how long you’ve been gone, or how much we still miss you, your legacy has lived on in us, and we are so thankful for your love and faithfulness to the Father, and to your family.

February 14, 2008. Two years have passed since I wrote those last words. And just as I sometimes can’t believe all that’s changed, I know you would be stunned too.  Mom’s working at the church and Aunt Patti’s working for a college.  Alesha’s three girls now have a little brother, and they are amazing little ones. Adrienne really enjoyed Bible college, and met a great guy there, named Luke, and they are getting married this summer. And Uncle Ron, well he’s now the president of Central Christian College of the Bible. And as for me, I’ve graduated from college, moved back to my hometown, gotten a crazy job and have learned so very much about friendships, and the kingdom of God.

I’ve certainly realized this before, but after reading that sentence about walking across the driveway to visit you, it hit me that even that part of our lives has changed. The church building that was such a big part of our lives, and yours as well, now belongs to a college, and that church is 4 miles up the road, in an area you probably weren’t really even familiar with. And I work in a building that seems not so new to me, but the reality is that it opened 5 years after you’d been gone. Grandma, times really flying, and we miss you. I know they things I do in the name of church, and the things I believe might confuse you, but I believe that you would have been happy too, to see all of your children truly seeking after God in the best way they know how. I wish you could be here just to give a little advice…but I’ve got the legacy you left in your daughters, and the words and pictures you left us. Speaking of pictures, I was in a wedding this summer, and because the groom is in the air force, they did the saber arch. It was so neat that the first wedding I was in as a bridesmaid, and for a friend who means so much to me, was the first I had seen where they did the same tradition that I’ve seen so many times in your wedding pictures. Grandma…in pictures and words, I hope to leave the same kind of legacy one day.

With so much love,
Carey

Small Glimpses of the Future

Tonight I hd one of those moments where things just clicked, if only for a moment.  I was walking out of my office, thinking about a friend who had just called, the statement that “the CEO” made last week that shook me to my core, and listening to the Dixie Chicks.  Although I wasn’t really listening to the song lyrics, for some I caught one line, and it made me just stop for a minute.  As I stood there I realized that I hear more about pacifism and non-violence in the Dixie Chicks’ songs than I have in a lifetime of being in churches.  And there’s something wrong with that.

Then I went back to thinking about my friend, and I realized that, yet again, I no longer agree with a key point of this church that I “go to”.  It’s not even so much that I disagree, but that for me things look different.  Anyway, I realized that (future post coming about this) while it is definitely important to have people in your life who need Jesus, there are definitely people in the church who need Jesus too…who need to see a different side of the church, and sometimes, of Jesus, than they ever have before.  People “in the church” who are right on the verge of giving it up and walking away.  And right now, there are a few people in my life like that, and my life needs to show them that Jesus and church are supposed to be very different.  (Annnndddd maybe somedays I need someone to do that to me, but that’s neither here nor there.)

In the midst of these two realizations, I saw a glimpse of who I want to be…who I feel called to be, on some level.
I see myself as  more of a pacifist,  a peace-maker, a love and justice giver and seeker.  A tree-hugging, local and organic food eating, farmer’s market shopping inner city living woman who holds strong beliefs but realizes that other people have other beliefs.  I see myself as a wife and a mother who seeks to be Jesus to her family, and to help teach her family to be Jesus to others.  I see myself living life with the extended family of a house church.  I see myself writing more, taking more pictures, just being more creative.  And somewhere in there, I see myself doing some sort of work in the academic field.  What that career looks like several years down the road, I don’t know.  And maybe by that point I’m teaching little classes on basic computer skills or Sears houses or something at a library, and that’s where I use my education, and interact with all sorts of people.  I’m ok with that being up in the air.  It’s just nice to see passions continuing to grow and develop under the surface, even in the midst of some situations that aren’t so conducive those things.

[Did you notice something was missing from that above description?  Yep...your friendly neighborhood megachurch is missing.  Megachurches are doing some great things.  And church buildings (from small or large churches) can be used for some really neat things, but I just don't believe that they are necessary.  What my involvement would be in the future is looking grimmer by the day.]

I’m excited about freedom, excited about mature friendships (and a little perturbed by the not-so-mature ones), sick of griping about my job, thankful for the friends that listen to me complain all the time, and grateful for the ability to think and reason on my own, and to make my own decisions about faith and Jesus and what He looks like in my life.

Abba Father, Your passions, Your timing, more of You. 

Lyric of the day…
“Just give it time…now is not forever at all…just give it time…everything is gonna be alright.”

Slowly

I think I’m slowly losing it.

Either that or I’ve never had a few days like the ones that I’ve just gone through.  I want to write it out, but it makes me tired.  Oh wait, that could be because it’s 1:00 a.m.  So, this is it for now, but man, it’s been a crazy few days, with a lot of questions and few answers so far.

Adult?! Career!?

I just typed “I feel that there is much for me to learn about this field, and that continuing developments in technology and in academic fields will encourage continued studies and research throughout my career.”

Good grief. My career.

When did I become an adult with a career?

(For the first time in several years, it finally feels like I’ve found something that I could actually do for a long time! This is in direct opposition to my current field, which I never planned to be in, and have always known I wanted out. That is both encouraging and daunting!)

P.S. Don’t forget to read the post below this one! It’s new too!