It’s been a wild few weeks. I feel like I’m maybe starting to emerge with a slightly different outlook…starting to emerge from the gloom and despair that I’ve been stuck in (at least in one area of my life).
What turned things around? A beautiful weekend in a great city and amazing beauty? Well, that kind of confused me all the more. A conversation with a friend who I don’t usually agree with really changed things. She challenged me that this is good, the stress, the confusion, the struggle to be open, and vulnerable is really making me grow, that it’s adult, that it’s good for me to be challenged this way. Even though there’s much she doesn’t know, and she really only met him once or twice, she started listing the good things about him…those things that I just couldn’t bring myself to write down last night. But she’s right, there definitely are many things that make this worth a shot.
The other thing that really hit me was a new blog that I stumbled upon tonight. In a crazy twist of irony, the woman writing is a college professor and her husband is a doctor. It made stop and just stop for a moment. But beyond the irony…sometimes just reading about the normal, everyday life of a family, loving husband and wife, and children really helps me to refocus, to re-prioritize, and spend some time remembering that I really do want that life. Even thought there are days when it seem so very out of place. (Then again, my hormonal self was questioning my decision to leave my job today. Um, hello?! That’s kind of not an option! And my rational self knows this!)
The thing that really seems to be hitting me is that love, in many ways, is a choice.
I’ve heard that in my different places, most notably in the song lyrics of a friend, and in a text message of a dear friend who had that thought hit her months ago, in regards to my situation, which was very different back then. (Ok, wait, it’s been almost 4 months since my feelings were first said out loud. Good grief. Each month has brought a completely different emotion…completely different theme…can my emotions continue like this?)
So, choice. Tonight, I’m thinking that I need to take a choice on love. For reasons I don’t quite understand, and for reasons that I can’t even seem to fathom right now, this could be a really good thing.
You know, over the past year, I’ve occasionally referenced feeling like I needed to take a leap of faith. I wonder if this is it? I’ve really never thought of it in this way.
While I don’t think I’ll ever think that fateful was the way to handle the situation, I think that some good will come out of this. That being said, I’m still reeling from the feelings, doubts and insecurities that have now come up.
So, I guess, all of this being said, I think that I (we?) owe it to myself to try this. To figure out what that looks like, for us, to figure out how we BOTH can be more open, to be honest with each other. Even though I’m still questioning some things, questioning my very emotions, I feel like I can’t move forward without there being some definition. And that moving backward may be beneficial, but it may also be disastrous.
But that’s going to mean facing some hurdles. The absolute major one being that I really need to know that he’s committed to this. That he isn’t just trying to get out of this. (I guess, I need to know why he really sent the email.) Also, I really need to feel that my opinions are respected, even if they aren’t agreed with.
I’m scared out of my mind. I keep back to little things this weekend that were said that make me really question, and I really, really want to run the other way. If I really believe this has a chance, I really have to make myself stay put, and that means being open, being vulnerable, being willing to get hurt. And I have no idea how to do that.
Abba Father, help my emotions, help my sanity, guide my steps, my words, my heart.
If you want to know, ask me.
