There’s a first time for everything…

Every now and then I catch a whiff of your cologne.  It brings me back to writing this, which I’ve been trying to do for a couple of hours.

I don’t think either of us quite know what to do.  I don’t, that’s for sure.

We both aren’t happy in our jobs, but we aren’t quite sure what’s next.

Either of us would have picked up and moved easily, a year or so ago.  But now, a lot has changed.  (As much as I look forward to experiencing somewhere new someday, right now thinking about it about breaks my heart.)

But I’m beginning to wonder if subconciously, one or both of us are kind of waiting to see what the other one decides to do, job-wise.  (Although, interestingly, that’s the one part of our lives that aren’t really intertwined right now, and that we are separately talking all sorts of options.

Did I seriously just write all that on here?  Wow.  Hello, and apparently, welcome to Carey being bluntly open.

So, Angie, that suggestion from earlier this week?  Give me six months, and I may be all about that.  Or maybe something way more drastic…

I need a vacation from life.  Just for a few days, just enough to make me realize what I can’t live without, and what I can move on from just fine.

We held hands tonight for the first time.  And it was so natural I almost didn’t realize it at first.

(And then I almost freaked out.  But you’ll have that.  )

Note to Self #1

Someday, in the distant future, when you have a house, remember one thing.

Of all the insane allergies you are stuck with, the worst is the DUST.

Just remember the almost immediate sinus and head pain from working in a dusty space.

And then, do one of the following.

1) Clean a lot.

2) Hire a maid.

3) Budget for a cleaning service.

Because hiring a maid sounds absolutely insane and 1940’s and wealthy (and as for wealth, have you met me?), I’m all about number three. Because, um, about number 1? Again, have you met me? There are so many better things to do with my life than clean. I may have an addictive personality, but if I ever get addicted to cleaning, y’all have my permission to take me out and SHOOT ME.

Ok, that’s all.

A fork in the road?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some nagging questions, but it wasn’t until tonight, driving home in the rain (there’s something romantic about driving home in the rain…or I’m just sappy.) that the questions seemed to gain some sort of order.

I’m struggling with where my place is, if any, in the megachurch…in my current job. I have opportunities to stay, I have opportunities to stay involved through some freelancing work. But why? When I make myself stop and think, I can remember the reasons why I can’t stay, but some days, they are hard to see. (Especially with a boss saying “Just don’t quit!”)

I’m struggling with the decision to go to grad school. I’m struggling with choosing a new career. I can play the part beautifully, but is this really where I am supposed to be? When I actually have some encounters in higher ed, I really think it is, but I’ve been so bogged down lately with megachurch that I can’t see past the church walls. (And yes, I do believe that there is something terribly wrong with that example.)

I’m struggling with where I see myself going with my (new) career. For example, today, I actually said “And, if I decide to get my doctorate…” As the words were leaving my lips, I was immediately thinking “Seriously?! What are you thinking? What would you DO with a doctorate? You’re having enough trouble justifying getting a master’s!” and “In five years, you may very well be married with a little kid or two, living across the country, and can you actually see yourself working on, yet alone using a doctorate?” Doctorate or not, I’m just wondering if, like I said before, five years from now, I will be that person that people meet, and some time later are like “She has a master’s? In that? I never would have known!” In other words, will I use this? I have many more thoughts on this, but they are quite jumbled at this point. Hmm.

I don’t know where I see myself. I don’t know where I fit. And for some reason, true or not, I think that these answers play a part in the other things in my life, and just how that fits in. And maybe that’s because the parts are getting harder and harder to separate.

Moral of today– Be honest. Be open and honest. Just like Penny says. And I hate that feeling when I drive (or fly) away, and all I can think of are all of the things I should have said. Because I think he can help me answer these questions. Or at least, it’s important to see what he has to say.

And what you have to say. Thoughts?

Interesting…

The past week has been interesting, to say the least.

I’ve had moments of utter despair, wondering how things could fall apart so drastically.

I’ve had moments of peace, where I could see that things might just work out ok.

I’ve had moments of sheer wonder, as I keep finding myself in situations and with feelings that I never expected, even though I now realize I had no idea what I was expecting. 

Through it all, I’ve had friends and family backing me up, encouraging me, and helping me to see that God’s hand is in this. I’ve realized more and more that so very much about my current job is just pure irony, right down to the moment when I realized that I think I’ve finally found a career that will make me say “I can’t believe I get to do this for a living”. And then I just chuckle to myself, as it hits me once again that so many people say that about my job, but it makes so little sense to me.

Since so many things are changing/colliding at once, there are moments when I wonder how things are going to/should work together. Like when I wonder how, who knows how long from now, this career would balance well with young children. Or when I wonder if I’ll be one of those people that other people say about: “What?! She has a master’s degree? In what?” (And don’t tell me you haven’t done that about someone before. )

But for now, I’m excited to pursue my future career. Sometimes it gets rather discouraging to know that I wouldn’t need to the degree to get the job I want, but that’s what the institutions require. Ah well, it’s ok. I like going to school, being in the classroom.

And I’m excited about other aspects of my life. I’m so excited to stop dividing my loyalties between churches. And I’m so excited to see how a great friendship becomes greater.