Flashbacks

I had the most interesting conversation today.  I met a guy named Scott, who is planting an church plant in suburban Cleveland.

As I mentioned to him that I had chosen the major I did with the intent of working in communications for a church plant, he was blown away.  He kept saying “Wait, you want to work in communications in a church plant?”

I tried to explain that my passion now is really for so much more organic ideas, especially house churches, but he tried to explain to me that what they are doing really isn’t all that different.

There’s just no way of explaining to someone you just met that you don’t believe that a church needs a building, that it takes $250,000 to start a church, that today’s preaching is Biblical, that worship music should be used to attract non-Christians, etc.  Just no way.

But it sure was intriguing.  He really wants to meet with me again, to see what connections I might have for them, and just how I might be involved. 

Man, if this was a few years, one final ending to a crazy relationship, and a house church ago, I would be one excited girl.  This is everything my 20-year-old self wanted, everything I was working for. 

Some days, it hits me once again just how much things are changing, and how much I want them to/they have to.  And today is one of those days. 

I kind of wish it could be easy.  I wish I could just go work for that church plant. 

But for so many reasons, I just can’t.  These churches deserve to have staff that are fully invested in their processes, DNA, beliefs.  And I just don’t fit that mold at all. 

I used to.  But God, a house church, some amazing friends, and one guy that drives me insane and challenges me like no one else changed all that. 

Small Glimpses of the Future

Tonight I hd one of those moments where things just clicked, if only for a moment.  I was walking out of my office, thinking about a friend who had just called, the statement that “the CEO” made last week that shook me to my core, and listening to the Dixie Chicks.  Although I wasn’t really listening to the song lyrics, for some I caught one line, and it made me just stop for a minute.  As I stood there I realized that I hear more about pacifism and non-violence in the Dixie Chicks’ songs than I have in a lifetime of being in churches.  And there’s something wrong with that.

Then I went back to thinking about my friend, and I realized that, yet again, I no longer agree with a key point of this church that I “go to”.  It’s not even so much that I disagree, but that for me things look different.  Anyway, I realized that (future post coming about this) while it is definitely important to have people in your life who need Jesus, there are definitely people in the church who need Jesus too…who need to see a different side of the church, and sometimes, of Jesus, than they ever have before.  People “in the church” who are right on the verge of giving it up and walking away.  And right now, there are a few people in my life like that, and my life needs to show them that Jesus and church are supposed to be very different.  (Annnndddd maybe somedays I need someone to do that to me, but that’s neither here nor there.)

In the midst of these two realizations, I saw a glimpse of who I want to be…who I feel called to be, on some level.
I see myself as  more of a pacifist,  a peace-maker, a love and justice giver and seeker.  A tree-hugging, local and organic food eating, farmer’s market shopping inner city living woman who holds strong beliefs but realizes that other people have other beliefs.  I see myself as a wife and a mother who seeks to be Jesus to her family, and to help teach her family to be Jesus to others.  I see myself living life with the extended family of a house church.  I see myself writing more, taking more pictures, just being more creative.  And somewhere in there, I see myself doing some sort of work in the academic field.  What that career looks like several years down the road, I don’t know.  And maybe by that point I’m teaching little classes on basic computer skills or Sears houses or something at a library, and that’s where I use my education, and interact with all sorts of people.  I’m ok with that being up in the air.  It’s just nice to see passions continuing to grow and develop under the surface, even in the midst of some situations that aren’t so conducive those things.

[Did you notice something was missing from that above description?  Yep...your friendly neighborhood megachurch is missing.  Megachurches are doing some great things.  And church buildings (from small or large churches) can be used for some really neat things, but I just don't believe that they are necessary.  What my involvement would be in the future is looking grimmer by the day.]

I’m excited about freedom, excited about mature friendships (and a little perturbed by the not-so-mature ones), sick of griping about my job, thankful for the friends that listen to me complain all the time, and grateful for the ability to think and reason on my own, and to make my own decisions about faith and Jesus and what He looks like in my life.

Abba Father, Your passions, Your timing, more of You. 

Lyric of the day…
“Just give it time…now is not forever at all…just give it time…everything is gonna be alright.”

Never been so sure

…of nothing.

Since I’ve spent so much time lately thinking about both the future and the past, I was thinking tonight that I can’t remember another time in my life where pretty much EVERYTHING is up in the air.

-Church. (that’s church as in the institution, not the body of Christ or my faith)

-My job. (see above. It’s crazy that I have to describe it that way. But regardless of the fact that I work in a field that I don’t want to be in for the rest of my life, there’s definitely the matter of what organization I’m in said field for. Sigh.)

-Residence. (Um, I really want my own place. (I thought about this next sentence for a full minute before I decided that I could type it.) Life changes fast, and before too many changes happen in my life, I really want to have my own space. Well, make that my and my best friend’s space. As much as I like my alone time…Marie, I definitely want to share an apartment with you!

-Love. This could fill a small bookshelf, so I’m just leaving this alone right now. But know that I love people. Actually, that’s pretty much it, on this aspect of the topic. I want to love people. And what I do in the name of “ministry” is getting in the way of ministry (of loving people).

The only thing (besides family) that isn’t up in the air is the concept of house church, and ours in particular.
For some reason, the whole concept has been driven home to me so many times over the past week. All of the thoughts and feelings kind of collided yesterday, as we sang after communion. I looked around at each face, each going through such different things, feeling many drastically different emotions, but everyone, from 5-year-old Katelyn to 20-year-old Marie, to thirty-(freaking)-one-year-old Doug were singing.

This girl doesn’t really cry, but I had to struggle not to right then. It was as if everything that has happened over the past few weeks all reached this crazy crescendo point, and I realized that no matter what, I wasn’t leaving. Ever since I first thought maybe I was supposed to be back in this area after graduation, it was ALWAYS a temporary thing. Even two months ago I was still putting out feelers and networking for jobs elsewhere. I’m not saying that I won’t move, or that I don’t want to live in a bigger city, because, um, DUH. And really, it isn’t the place, it’s the people.

Seeing Katelyn stretched out over Tina’s lap, with her feet sticking off the sofa, singing her heart out to “that song where the guys sing and the girls repeat”, it hit me. I want my kids to do that. To learn about God and Jesus and faith in this community. Or a community like this. To hear impromtu discussions about accountability sparked by a communion discussion (Tony, I have no idea how that discussion transitioned the way it did, but I’m so glad it did. Wait. Tony, if you are reading this… Haha. Seriously, whoever’s reading this, let me know! ) To be held accountable, in the good, Biblical sense of the word, not the crazy, beat you over the head with things sense of the word. To learn to cook from crazy “aunts” and “uncles” who want to help teach life to kids. Yeah, to learn, no, to live that life is because of the people around us, and the grace, love, and hilarity they give.

It’s 3:00 a.m., and I have a meeting in the morning. And a bunch of stuff I didn’t do tonight.

P.S. And yeah, if you really want to read between the lines, that crescendo point during the singing wasn’t just about kids…but about my life in this group, and all that entails, and that bullet point above ‘house church’. It’s another thing that I feel this way about- I can’t leave, and I don’t want to, and I’m not trying to.

And that’s a pretty big deal. That I’m not trying to. For the first time.

Abba Father, Your will be done.

Things that I want to do…

Of, things I want to explore, to see how they fit in my life.

• The Old Testament
  • Really studying what the Old Testament can mean to me today
  •  Including Messianic Judaism
  • How Jesus’ Jewishness informed His life, and should/could inform ours
  • What laws from the OT still have a point today, and why they do
  • How the OT laws impact our eating
• Research local eating
  • CSA’s, organic, no white sugar/flour, etc.
• Other Christian traditions
• How I feel called to look at social justice, the poor, the oppressed, and so many others.
  • Anabaptist
  • Mennonite
• How a Jesus-follower could/should respond to environment?
  • Should we be green?
  • Balancing being good stewards of money with environment
• How I can have an impact on others?
  • Higher ed?
  • Non-profit?
    • What kind?
  • Corporate world?
  • Freelance marketing
  • Freelance writing
  • Networking
    • Career counseling?
  • Missions?
    • What causes should I really work for?

  Is this in the church at all?

Interesting line from “The Jesus I Never Knew”

So lately I’ve been reading The Jesus I Never Knew, by Philip Yancey.

I’ve been meaning to note this for weeks, and just now thought of it again.

On page 16, Yancey, is commenting about how few people Jesus talked to in relationship to Billy Graham. He remarks that “this Galilean, who in his lifetime spoke to fewer people than would fill just one of the many stadia Graham has filled, changed the world more than any other person.”

One word in this sentence really made me think. Stadia. The definition that I knew for Stadia was that it was a unit of measurement. However, in this instance, it’s defined as a plural of a stadium, a large venue that holds a lot of people.

One of the church planting organizations that I am quite familiar with, and looked into working with, is called Stadia. I’ve always thought it kind of a strange name, to be named for a measurement (I mean, I can make the jump to the fact that they want to reach so many people, etc, but…). But now, I couldn’t help but associate the organization Stadia with stadiums. Being a strong proponent of house churches, organic movements, and having a lot of baggage from megachurches, the corporate church-planting movement, etc., I just sat there and wondered if that was really Stadia’s goal-to fill stadiums (or, large megachurches that feel like stadiums…and they are out there, because I sat in one last night, and two of us audibly asked “Hey, where are the cupholders?”)

If we are filling stadiums, with people that are professing Jesus, that’s awesome. But…where is the life change, where is the personal relationships, where are the people that hold them accountable, where are the people that challenge that the Bible includes much that isn’t feel good, like helping the widows and orphans.

Ironically, I can remember my dad making some of those comments after a Billy Graham conference roared through town, leaving many people really convicted, but unconnected to any local church. Hmmmm.

Last thought-Church planting and megachurch discussion aside, the next line of that quote is really interesting too-”He introduced a new force field into history, and now holds the allegiance of a third of all people on earth.”

A door gradually shutting…

This is in some ways, the opposite of the previous post, “The Good Point.”  I’m feeling like the good points are getting completely swamped by the other stuff.  In some ways, regarding ____ Church, I feel kind of selfish that I feel my best when attending a service. Period.  Not worrying about typos, or the slides, or the brochure, or [insert work-related item here].  Makes me feel like I should do something to contribute.  Which sounds insane, since I work there.  Let’s say I didn’t.  I guess I’m saying that I would feel like a mooch.  I don’t feel like I have to have that answer right now.

More on this in the morning…

Things I’ve realized…

First, I went to college to study business. (Even though I was talented in business) I realized my passion was more in ministry. I switched my major to a combination of the two that would open doors either way, but I never, ever intended to use my degree (ministry/business, minor in marketing) to work in communications at a megachurch. Back then, I wanted to work in church planting (now I see much of church planting as more of the same corporate-driven, Americanized Christianity as the megachurch-see this as an insane example), but that’s not where I ended up. And realizing that I’m in a place I never intended to be, even though I forgot for a few years that I had made that distinction, has been freeing. Basically, my ministry is completely getting the way of any ministry I want my life to be about.

I’m not alone. See this for proof. I’ll be writing more on this in later posts.

As I think of walking away from the particular religious tradition I’ve grown up in, where my parents, uncle and aunt, grandparents, were all very involved, and fairly well-known, a year ago I could only thinking of walking away for good. Now, I can kind of comprehend coming back. As in, after a break, after working through much of this stuff, if God called me to go back to a Christian church, church plant, or Christian college, I think I might be able to do so. Maybe, maybe not. But I feel like being able to even think of going back is a good thing, a growth thing

My friend and coworker Janelle were discussing “being released” from something the other day, as in “God still has something for me to do here (job, project, friendship, church, etc.) so I can’t leave yet.” But after realizing several of these things over the past few months, today, for the first time, I’m feeling free to move on. In some ways, I’m wrapping things up, and getting more frustrated by the day.

I know many people, and myself at times, argue that in order to change something, you have to be the change, that I’d just be running away. I totally respect that, and I really wish I could. The only problem is that I need to distance myself, to figure out my own beliefs, before I can even respect much of this stuff, before I can even thing of being a major change agent.

As Switchfoot would say,
“I want out of this machine,
it doesn’t feel like freedom
This ain’t my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I’m tired of fighting for just me
This ain’t my American dream. “
-Switchfoot, “American Dream”, off of their Oh! Gravity album

Amen to that.  (And yes, I realize they’re talking about money, but think about it.  It totally fits American church and/or corporate culture.)