A new day.

I was just thinking about all of the things that I have to do at work tomorrow, and how much I’m dreading it.

And I made a decision.

Life is too short for a job that I don’t want to be doing, don’t feel called to do, am not giving my best to, often don’t feel like I’m making a difference, and oh yes, really don’t agree with most days.

As I wrote several months ago, I want my life to be about influencing and loving people, from college students, to house church family, to family, to my children and my husband. And while I will very much miss several friendships at my current job, and the flexible schedule, there’s so much more that just isn’t worth it. That just isn’t ministry, isn’t real, isn’t church.

So. Today begins a countdown.

While I’m planning on going to Akron this fall, I still have to be accepted there, so that’s not a done deal. But Kent is. So, one way or another, I think I’m going somewhere in the fall. Or, I’ll be taking another job elsewhere.

If I have anything to do with it, Friday, August 1st will be my last day. That will give me three weeks before classes start to catch up on a lot of things around my house, and get ready for the next stage of my life.

(Small side note. It’s hitting me that the “next stage of my life” may be coming a little sooner than I was thinking. Not quite sure what to do with that.)

I’m kind of proud of myself because for the first time, I was able to say “in a few years, when I’m done with grad. school and in my first real job (funny, I think that might mean I’ve never felt that the current job is real, or permanent…), I’m going to buy myself that for my house.”  Normally, I’m thinking in abstract terms, or things that aren’t quite feasible, like buying myself a hybrid car for my 25th birthday.  (This was later revised to buying a digital SLR camera, but at this point, I’m going to be a grad. student living on loans, so that’s not going to work.  Um…also, almost added something else for what I might be by next January.  Whoa now.  Crazy brain. For the two of you that read this, it probably wasn’t as bad as you are thinking!)

ANYWAY, yesterday I was standing in an antique store in St. Elmo, Illinois (population 1,500!), and came across this book shelf.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a book addict.  And am eagerly awaiting a place to keep said books.  I’ve always liked mission style furniture, and now I know that it goes hand in hand with my favorite style of house, the Craftsman bungalow.  This particular book shelf had a sold sign on it, which may be a good thing, because I really didn’t need to talk myself out of buying a book shelf several states away.  (Even though some ebay research shows that it was a FANTASTIC deal.  Boo for when I go to buy one in the future…)  My fascination was further raised when my dad made a comment about the book shelf in regards to P.H. Welshimer, a very prominent minister at the church I grew up at, and in the Restoration Movement/Christian Church as a whole, and one that both my dad and I have written major research papers on.  Dad said that there is a picture of P.H. standing beside a bookcase just like this one!

(The one is actually an antique, and is quite a bit larger than this one.  But how amazing is this, with the spinning-ness, and the mass amount of books that fit on it!)

I’m really excited to have something to symbolize this new adventure…who knows where I’ll be living in two or three years, and just how my life will be different, but I’m excited to have finally made some decisions!

Abba Father, help me to follow Your will in all things.

A fork in the road?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some nagging questions, but it wasn’t until tonight, driving home in the rain (there’s something romantic about driving home in the rain…or I’m just sappy.) that the questions seemed to gain some sort of order.

I’m struggling with where my place is, if any, in the megachurch…in my current job. I have opportunities to stay, I have opportunities to stay involved through some freelancing work. But why? When I make myself stop and think, I can remember the reasons why I can’t stay, but some days, they are hard to see. (Especially with a boss saying “Just don’t quit!”)

I’m struggling with the decision to go to grad school. I’m struggling with choosing a new career. I can play the part beautifully, but is this really where I am supposed to be? When I actually have some encounters in higher ed, I really think it is, but I’ve been so bogged down lately with megachurch that I can’t see past the church walls. (And yes, I do believe that there is something terribly wrong with that example.)

I’m struggling with where I see myself going with my (new) career. For example, today, I actually said “And, if I decide to get my doctorate…” As the words were leaving my lips, I was immediately thinking “Seriously?! What are you thinking? What would you DO with a doctorate? You’re having enough trouble justifying getting a master’s!” and “In five years, you may very well be married with a little kid or two, living across the country, and can you actually see yourself working on, yet alone using a doctorate?” Doctorate or not, I’m just wondering if, like I said before, five years from now, I will be that person that people meet, and some time later are like “She has a master’s? In that? I never would have known!” In other words, will I use this? I have many more thoughts on this, but they are quite jumbled at this point. Hmm.

I don’t know where I see myself. I don’t know where I fit. And for some reason, true or not, I think that these answers play a part in the other things in my life, and just how that fits in. And maybe that’s because the parts are getting harder and harder to separate.

Moral of today– Be honest. Be open and honest. Just like Penny says. And I hate that feeling when I drive (or fly) away, and all I can think of are all of the things I should have said. Because I think he can help me answer these questions. Or at least, it’s important to see what he has to say.

And what you have to say. Thoughts?

What a day!

Today was one of those days that I may never forget. 

 I’ve been accepted to the graduate program I wanted (actually the only program I applied to), in the field that I want—higher education.

 And one of the major strengths of this program is that every student is just about guaranteed an assistantship, which really makes sense, since the degree is higher ed, to provide as many opportunities for students to get involved and to build skills and leadership qualities. 

 So, after a 4+ hour introduction session yesterday, complete with introductions, meeting our advisors, fellow students, current students, campus tour, student panel, etc…

 Today was the interview day for the assistantships.  I had NINE interviews between 8:30 this morning and 5:00 tonight.  By the last interview, I was starting to really not be able to form complete sentences (just kidding, but man my mind did drift several times).  The girl sitting next to me had an interview literally every available time slot, something like 14 interviews!  She was quite beat as well by the end. 

 At the end of the day, we had to rank our top 5 choices.  And just like the infamous residency matching program for medical students, our fate is now out of our hands.  The different offices and organizations (quite a few are actually at different campuses in the region) say who they want, and if that first choice matches, then you get that position.  After that, things aren’t so clear.  Somewhere in that matching system, you get an assistantship.  I’m hoping it doesn’t have to go that far.  But, while I definitely have my top pick of assistantship, I know that I would learn a lot at any of the assistantships that I ranked. 

 Today was absolutely further proof that I need to take that next step, to step out of my bubble, my comfort zone.  I am excited and humbled to have so many new opportunities and to challenge myself to learn more about other backgrounds and to simple find ways to love and serve everyone I come in contact with at the university. 

 And then tonight was further affirmation that the house church is where I absolutely want to invest my time, and I can’t WAIT until I don’t have to divide my loyalties, as it were!  I’m also excited to take steps to be a better influence to the college-age people in our house church, and just to work with this group of people for support, challenges and encouragement as I take this next step of faith.

 Surreal/encouraging/startling/affirming moments of the weekend:

• talking about living in the “Christian bubble” with my new Jewish friend, who totally said that there is a “Jewish bubble”
• Sitting at a lunch table with a Christian, a Jew and a Muslim (oh, and a carpenter… the irony of THAT wasn’t lost on me either!
• Having a student tell me that “oh, I majored in religion in undergrad. too.  Only I studied Hinduism”. 
• Being able to come up with answers and ideas on the fly
• Realizing that my communications background and instinct isn’t going anywhere, and can definitely be an asset
• Coming up with some fascinating ideas for raising awareness of certain issues, etc.
• Coming up with ideas to attract adult learners to a regional campus
• Beginning to have ideas for how to make the community more aware, get their feet in the door
• Realizing just how interested I am in bridging the (communication) gap between students and administration/faculty
• Wondering just how much the large percentage of students with iPods are creating less of a community environment, how well students know/acknowledge each other
• Being able to clearly articulate a major philosophy of how I go about my life, how I see my role in the big picture of higher ed.

 And then there’s the following…

Back to the assistantship thing for one quick minute.  The field I really want to pursue is academic advising, which I know I have a lot to learn in, but I feel is so important to a student’s success, and is so rewarding.  Tonight when I opened my google reader, I skimmed right past the “Academic Advising” folder, and was reading a few fun blogs that I enjoy.  I had added a “next” button to my toolbar, and couldn’t remember what it did in reader so I clicked it.  I thought it would take me either to the next blogger’s post, or the next post of the current blogger. 

 Where did it take me?  An Academic Advising post.  From what institution (and mind you, in this blog search query, I have posts coming from around the country!)?  KENT STATE.
(This is the first time I’ve ever seen a post from any Ohio school, much less Kent!

 How CRAZY is that!

 Abba Father, thank You for the opportunities and doors of today.  Please continue to teach and guide me as I make these big decisions.  Amen.

After all…

After all this time, all the emotions, after life just happened…

I can’t believe how the last few days have gone.  I’d say how I’m feeling, but it seems to change every 15 minutes.

Pretty much every major part of my life is in some state of chaos right now.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’m running on auto-pilot.  I keep wondering when I’m going to crash.

I’m trying to figure out why, in some ways, I’m not feeling very much.  I think maybe I immediately plastered big, huge walls around my heart, in an attempt to reduce the damage.  And because of that, I’m dealing, but I don’t know how.  Also, I’m trying revert back to where I was heading before,

How can one simple (or not) email cause such insanity?

I have no idea what I want, and I’ve got this subconscious feeling that if I stop to try to figure it out, I’m going to just lose it.  (In some way, I don’t think that would be so bad.  I think maybe I need to just let myself truly feel for a little while).

Amidst the chaos that has my heart and head completely upside down, is good chaos that reminds me that at least one part of my life is in positive transition.  I’ve got graduate assistant interviews on Monday, and that’s really exciting.

What do I want, and what does that mean?  Abba Father…help. 

P.S. If you are reading this with a feed reader, check out my new layout.  It’s not ideal, but I do like it.
P.P.S.  You might like this video.     (Since I know who most often reads this, I can say things like that.  Ha)

Looking forward.

Today was an absolute flash forward day. 

 I had an interview to get into a grad. program.  The interview went really well, and it was great to meet some of the faculty and even a few students.  Everyone seemed really welcoming. It was amazing to be back on a college campus…there’s just an energy there, and I absolutely love it. 

 It’s been hitting me in several ways tonight just how big of a deal that is.  Even though some doors seem to be shutting, and I am really glad, I’m beginning to have a little trouble thinking of actually closing that door.  I really need to remember that it’s not be that will be closing that door. 

 So I was standing there in the place that may well be my home for the next two years.  Since there are other several other things that could change in the next two years, I think in some little way I’m clinging to that place, the one I’m not really at yet, to be some sense of normalcy. 

 In the interview, in talking with other faculty, and in talking to a couple of students I was reminded all over again of the disconnect between students and administration, and just how much I want to work to change that.  

After the interview, I called a grad. student friend of mine to see if she was on campus, and even though she wasn’t, I ended up talking to her for quite a while.  That was both encouraging and challenging, to learn more about the GA (graduate assistant) program, and to hear some of the crazy things (opportunities) that Lindsey is facing as she works to build friendships and not exclude her faith as she does so.

 So excited!

 And then tonight…

 We started a new study in our Bible study, and I think the difference in the topic, and even the format led to me the crazy feelings.

At one point I was sitting there listening, thinking, and I looked over, and it was just like I was in a time warp.  Like I could see this exact same thing happening 5 years down the road, you leading a family room full of neighbors and friends, halfway across the country (maybe). 

 When I finally snapped out of it, I actually glanced around and was every so slightly startled when I realized where I was.  SO. SURREAL. 

 And the funny thing is I can clearly remember a conversation at least a year ago, maybe longer, where we talked about starting just such a study for our neighbors.  I can honestly say that I had absolutely no idea how things would change between then and now.  Wow.

Um, yeah, so things are changing for me.  And that’s really, really exciting.  There’s just no other way of putting it.  J

Abba Father, more of you and your dreams.

P.S.  Disclaimer—I’m in no way saying that I don’t absolutely value or love our group. For this particular flashback, however, I could just see a different season of life.

Excited

So, like I was early this morning, I’m procrastinating again, but this time I’m wide awake. (And I really shouldn’t be, since tomorrow will be a mad dash of picking up signage for work, making sure I’ve got all the paperwork submitted and faxed for the grad school application, getting ready for a leadership event on Saturday and the normal Friday chaos…all in the midst of a snow storm. Yay for Ohio.)

Several times today, I’ve stopped in the middle of what I was doing, and realized that I am just plain EXCITED.

A crazy experience this morning with a woman at a major university who *SHOULD* know what she was talking about reminded me just how huge the disconnect is between what the administration and staff of a university think students know/need to know, what they share with students, and what the students know, as well as how they interpret what those in authority say. It’s crazy.

And I want to be a part of fixing these disconnects. I’m so excited about my future career! So excited to work with, be a part of, and (hopefully) change policy, and above all, impact students lives.

Today was a love/hate day at my job, and while I love so many of the people that I work with, I’m excited to get out of there. Yes, I’m idealistic in thinking that I can change policy in a university, when I can’t change it in the local church, but hey, a girl can dream. And, ironically, in the long-term, the way I do see myself changing policy is at a small private college, and many of these are religious. Everything in my family history, personal background and education, and even my faith background leads me back to such a school…but…I don’t know where I will stand after I leave RiverTree, and everything that will come from really walking away. (If I can REALLY walk away.)

Strangely, on a day when I finally feel so at peace and excited about my academic and career future, I’m feeling kind of leery about a couple other things in my life.

I think maybe it’s finally the commitment-phobe rearing its head. And my paranoia of being too stalker-like. (Been there. And I seriously regret that.)

And I’ve realized that when I’m scared/don’t know what to do I procrastinate/sabotage things (this happened shortly before college graduation, when I didn’t know what to do. My friend Brandon did it too.) So maybe I’m not ok with three major issues in my life actually working smoothly for a change. Hmmm…psychoanalyzing myself.

I also think that all this talk of careers has brought out a little of the dormant “independent career woman” that I used to be. Not that I’m not independent. It’s so odd…It really wasn’t that long ago, but the differences between who I was then, who I became in college (hello, future youth minister’s wife!) and who I am now make my head spin.

Ok, wow, this post turned into Debbie Downer. Can’t have too much of that right now. (I’ll put myself to sleep!)

Off to go incorporate the “I’m excited” philosophy into my “purpose statement”. Hey, is that like a purpose-driven statement? (I crack myself up sometimes!)

By tomorrow at this time, all this paperwork will be done, and hopefully celebrating will be done with friends, so I can get some sleep! (And, yeah, write Sunday’s discussion time…which I remembered in a flash this afternoon! Nothing like adding to the stress of the week!)

Good grief, I feel like I could write pages. Wait, maybe that’s a good thing, since I need to GO WRITE!!!

P.S. Coming to a blog near you–A completely honest, open post about relationships in the Bible college setting, from someone who never thought the same way as many her peers, and most definitely does not now!

Abba Father, Your will, Your timing, just You.

Bleary-Eyed

It’s 7:15 a.m., and I’m sitting in my dark kitchen, forcing myself to write out a purpose statement for my grad school application.

Ugh.

Investing My Life

I want to invest my life in people. Period. End of story.

Through conversations, asking questions, challenging myself and others, being a friend, showing love, I want to invest in people.

There are three main ways that I am really seeing myself do this:

1. Through relationships
   1. In a house church
   2. Through intentional relationships through my job, the community, life
2. Through college students
   1. Challenging/Encouraging/Building Relationships through academic advising and career counseling
3. Through family
   1. Husband (Someday)
   2. Children (Someday)
   3. Extended family

I’m excited to have some clarification in these things.  For some reason, God seems to be clearing my vision over the past few days.  Through this, and the continuing [related/unrelated] issues at my job,  I’m seeing more clearly that this is not my long-term future.  So, for now, I’m going to focus on getting things organized, and finishing well, and pouring what time and energy I have into the thing that I am passionate about.   People.

Randomly…

I had a small epiphany the other day.  I was thinking about how, when I was deeply involved in the business world, I definitely wanted to be a powerful, independent career woman.  Life took some pretty drastic changes, and I spent some years going through the ministry stuff, and figuring out me being a minister’s wife would, by now, equate to me accidentally getting people fired or me being divorced by now.

Now, I’m somewhere in the middle, with ministry as my life, but not wanting it to be my vocation, and not being nearly as driven as I once was to pursue business/real estate again.  But I still see myself as a pretty doggone independent woman.

But then it hit me.  Even in my most driven, “Million dollar sales” days, I always pictured myself married.  To an executive, or…well, I don’t even know.  But never the powerful single woman.

And I think that’s why, in some ways, over the past year, I’ve had to (poorly) attempt to redefine not only my career goals, but just who I am as a single woman.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m totally ok with wherever God takes me at this point.   There are definitely some things I still would love to do before I get married, namely living on my own for at least a little while (best friend, why are we both so broke? ) .  But, overall, I would be ok if God keeps me single for right now, in a relationship, or married.  I just want to follow Him.

(And yeah, to be true to where my life is at this moment, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that I didn’t have a preference for what that status is!!)

Other thoughts…

I’m so not ready for kids.  I babysat for two adorable kids last night, and whoo, I was ready for their mom to come home.  Part of it could have been the whole being in a strange house thing, and having so many other things I needed to do.

Now, I’ve so got to run and take grad. school paperwork places. Yay!

Oh, and that reminds me.  I realized last night that we may both be eternal students.  That could be pretty darn entertaining.  Wonder how many degrees we could get between the two of us?  And living in a cardboard box would be pretty interesting too…with all that crazy debt!