What a day!

Today was one of those days that I may never forget. 

 I’ve been accepted to the graduate program I wanted (actually the only program I applied to), in the field that I want—higher education.

 And one of the major strengths of this program is that every student is just about guaranteed an assistantship, which really makes sense, since the degree is higher ed, to provide as many opportunities for students to get involved and to build skills and leadership qualities. 

 So, after a 4+ hour introduction session yesterday, complete with introductions, meeting our advisors, fellow students, current students, campus tour, student panel, etc…

 Today was the interview day for the assistantships.  I had NINE interviews between 8:30 this morning and 5:00 tonight.  By the last interview, I was starting to really not be able to form complete sentences (just kidding, but man my mind did drift several times).  The girl sitting next to me had an interview literally every available time slot, something like 14 interviews!  She was quite beat as well by the end. 

 At the end of the day, we had to rank our top 5 choices.  And just like the infamous residency matching program for medical students, our fate is now out of our hands.  The different offices and organizations (quite a few are actually at different campuses in the region) say who they want, and if that first choice matches, then you get that position.  After that, things aren’t so clear.  Somewhere in that matching system, you get an assistantship.  I’m hoping it doesn’t have to go that far.  But, while I definitely have my top pick of assistantship, I know that I would learn a lot at any of the assistantships that I ranked. 

 Today was absolutely further proof that I need to take that next step, to step out of my bubble, my comfort zone.  I am excited and humbled to have so many new opportunities and to challenge myself to learn more about other backgrounds and to simple find ways to love and serve everyone I come in contact with at the university. 

 And then tonight was further affirmation that the house church is where I absolutely want to invest my time, and I can’t WAIT until I don’t have to divide my loyalties, as it were!  I’m also excited to take steps to be a better influence to the college-age people in our house church, and just to work with this group of people for support, challenges and encouragement as I take this next step of faith.

 Surreal/encouraging/startling/affirming moments of the weekend:

• talking about living in the “Christian bubble” with my new Jewish friend, who totally said that there is a “Jewish bubble”
• Sitting at a lunch table with a Christian, a Jew and a Muslim (oh, and a carpenter… the irony of THAT wasn’t lost on me either!
• Having a student tell me that “oh, I majored in religion in undergrad. too.  Only I studied Hinduism”. 
• Being able to come up with answers and ideas on the fly
• Realizing that my communications background and instinct isn’t going anywhere, and can definitely be an asset
• Coming up with some fascinating ideas for raising awareness of certain issues, etc.
• Coming up with ideas to attract adult learners to a regional campus
• Beginning to have ideas for how to make the community more aware, get their feet in the door
• Realizing just how interested I am in bridging the (communication) gap between students and administration/faculty
• Wondering just how much the large percentage of students with iPods are creating less of a community environment, how well students know/acknowledge each other
• Being able to clearly articulate a major philosophy of how I go about my life, how I see my role in the big picture of higher ed.

 And then there’s the following…

Back to the assistantship thing for one quick minute.  The field I really want to pursue is academic advising, which I know I have a lot to learn in, but I feel is so important to a student’s success, and is so rewarding.  Tonight when I opened my google reader, I skimmed right past the “Academic Advising” folder, and was reading a few fun blogs that I enjoy.  I had added a “next” button to my toolbar, and couldn’t remember what it did in reader so I clicked it.  I thought it would take me either to the next blogger’s post, or the next post of the current blogger. 

 Where did it take me?  An Academic Advising post.  From what institution (and mind you, in this blog search query, I have posts coming from around the country!)?  KENT STATE.
(This is the first time I’ve ever seen a post from any Ohio school, much less Kent!

 How CRAZY is that!

 Abba Father, thank You for the opportunities and doors of today.  Please continue to teach and guide me as I make these big decisions.  Amen.

Looking forward.

Today was an absolute flash forward day. 

 I had an interview to get into a grad. program.  The interview went really well, and it was great to meet some of the faculty and even a few students.  Everyone seemed really welcoming. It was amazing to be back on a college campus…there’s just an energy there, and I absolutely love it. 

 It’s been hitting me in several ways tonight just how big of a deal that is.  Even though some doors seem to be shutting, and I am really glad, I’m beginning to have a little trouble thinking of actually closing that door.  I really need to remember that it’s not be that will be closing that door. 

 So I was standing there in the place that may well be my home for the next two years.  Since there are other several other things that could change in the next two years, I think in some little way I’m clinging to that place, the one I’m not really at yet, to be some sense of normalcy. 

 In the interview, in talking with other faculty, and in talking to a couple of students I was reminded all over again of the disconnect between students and administration, and just how much I want to work to change that.  

After the interview, I called a grad. student friend of mine to see if she was on campus, and even though she wasn’t, I ended up talking to her for quite a while.  That was both encouraging and challenging, to learn more about the GA (graduate assistant) program, and to hear some of the crazy things (opportunities) that Lindsey is facing as she works to build friendships and not exclude her faith as she does so.

 So excited!

 And then tonight…

 We started a new study in our Bible study, and I think the difference in the topic, and even the format led to me the crazy feelings.

At one point I was sitting there listening, thinking, and I looked over, and it was just like I was in a time warp.  Like I could see this exact same thing happening 5 years down the road, you leading a family room full of neighbors and friends, halfway across the country (maybe). 

 When I finally snapped out of it, I actually glanced around and was every so slightly startled when I realized where I was.  SO. SURREAL. 

 And the funny thing is I can clearly remember a conversation at least a year ago, maybe longer, where we talked about starting just such a study for our neighbors.  I can honestly say that I had absolutely no idea how things would change between then and now.  Wow.

Um, yeah, so things are changing for me.  And that’s really, really exciting.  There’s just no other way of putting it.  J

Abba Father, more of you and your dreams.

P.S.  Disclaimer—I’m in no way saying that I don’t absolutely value or love our group. For this particular flashback, however, I could just see a different season of life.

Small Glimpses of the Future

Tonight I hd one of those moments where things just clicked, if only for a moment.  I was walking out of my office, thinking about a friend who had just called, the statement that “the CEO” made last week that shook me to my core, and listening to the Dixie Chicks.  Although I wasn’t really listening to the song lyrics, for some I caught one line, and it made me just stop for a minute.  As I stood there I realized that I hear more about pacifism and non-violence in the Dixie Chicks’ songs than I have in a lifetime of being in churches.  And there’s something wrong with that.

Then I went back to thinking about my friend, and I realized that, yet again, I no longer agree with a key point of this church that I “go to”.  It’s not even so much that I disagree, but that for me things look different.  Anyway, I realized that (future post coming about this) while it is definitely important to have people in your life who need Jesus, there are definitely people in the church who need Jesus too…who need to see a different side of the church, and sometimes, of Jesus, than they ever have before.  People “in the church” who are right on the verge of giving it up and walking away.  And right now, there are a few people in my life like that, and my life needs to show them that Jesus and church are supposed to be very different.  (Annnndddd maybe somedays I need someone to do that to me, but that’s neither here nor there.)

In the midst of these two realizations, I saw a glimpse of who I want to be…who I feel called to be, on some level.
I see myself as  more of a pacifist,  a peace-maker, a love and justice giver and seeker.  A tree-hugging, local and organic food eating, farmer’s market shopping inner city living woman who holds strong beliefs but realizes that other people have other beliefs.  I see myself as a wife and a mother who seeks to be Jesus to her family, and to help teach her family to be Jesus to others.  I see myself living life with the extended family of a house church.  I see myself writing more, taking more pictures, just being more creative.  And somewhere in there, I see myself doing some sort of work in the academic field.  What that career looks like several years down the road, I don’t know.  And maybe by that point I’m teaching little classes on basic computer skills or Sears houses or something at a library, and that’s where I use my education, and interact with all sorts of people.  I’m ok with that being up in the air.  It’s just nice to see passions continuing to grow and develop under the surface, even in the midst of some situations that aren’t so conducive those things.

[Did you notice something was missing from that above description?  Yep...your friendly neighborhood megachurch is missing.  Megachurches are doing some great things.  And church buildings (from small or large churches) can be used for some really neat things, but I just don't believe that they are necessary.  What my involvement would be in the future is looking grimmer by the day.]

I’m excited about freedom, excited about mature friendships (and a little perturbed by the not-so-mature ones), sick of griping about my job, thankful for the friends that listen to me complain all the time, and grateful for the ability to think and reason on my own, and to make my own decisions about faith and Jesus and what He looks like in my life.

Abba Father, Your passions, Your timing, more of You. 

Lyric of the day…
“Just give it time…now is not forever at all…just give it time…everything is gonna be alright.”

Excited

So, like I was early this morning, I’m procrastinating again, but this time I’m wide awake. (And I really shouldn’t be, since tomorrow will be a mad dash of picking up signage for work, making sure I’ve got all the paperwork submitted and faxed for the grad school application, getting ready for a leadership event on Saturday and the normal Friday chaos…all in the midst of a snow storm. Yay for Ohio.)

Several times today, I’ve stopped in the middle of what I was doing, and realized that I am just plain EXCITED.

A crazy experience this morning with a woman at a major university who *SHOULD* know what she was talking about reminded me just how huge the disconnect is between what the administration and staff of a university think students know/need to know, what they share with students, and what the students know, as well as how they interpret what those in authority say. It’s crazy.

And I want to be a part of fixing these disconnects. I’m so excited about my future career! So excited to work with, be a part of, and (hopefully) change policy, and above all, impact students lives.

Today was a love/hate day at my job, and while I love so many of the people that I work with, I’m excited to get out of there. Yes, I’m idealistic in thinking that I can change policy in a university, when I can’t change it in the local church, but hey, a girl can dream. And, ironically, in the long-term, the way I do see myself changing policy is at a small private college, and many of these are religious. Everything in my family history, personal background and education, and even my faith background leads me back to such a school…but…I don’t know where I will stand after I leave RiverTree, and everything that will come from really walking away. (If I can REALLY walk away.)

Strangely, on a day when I finally feel so at peace and excited about my academic and career future, I’m feeling kind of leery about a couple other things in my life.

I think maybe it’s finally the commitment-phobe rearing its head. And my paranoia of being too stalker-like. (Been there. And I seriously regret that.)

And I’ve realized that when I’m scared/don’t know what to do I procrastinate/sabotage things (this happened shortly before college graduation, when I didn’t know what to do. My friend Brandon did it too.) So maybe I’m not ok with three major issues in my life actually working smoothly for a change. Hmmm…psychoanalyzing myself.

I also think that all this talk of careers has brought out a little of the dormant “independent career woman” that I used to be. Not that I’m not independent. It’s so odd…It really wasn’t that long ago, but the differences between who I was then, who I became in college (hello, future youth minister’s wife!) and who I am now make my head spin.

Ok, wow, this post turned into Debbie Downer. Can’t have too much of that right now. (I’ll put myself to sleep!)

Off to go incorporate the “I’m excited” philosophy into my “purpose statement”. Hey, is that like a purpose-driven statement? (I crack myself up sometimes!)

By tomorrow at this time, all this paperwork will be done, and hopefully celebrating will be done with friends, so I can get some sleep! (And, yeah, write Sunday’s discussion time…which I remembered in a flash this afternoon! Nothing like adding to the stress of the week!)

Good grief, I feel like I could write pages. Wait, maybe that’s a good thing, since I need to GO WRITE!!!

P.S. Coming to a blog near you–A completely honest, open post about relationships in the Bible college setting, from someone who never thought the same way as many her peers, and most definitely does not now!

Abba Father, Your will, Your timing, just You.

Never been so sure

…of nothing.

Since I’ve spent so much time lately thinking about both the future and the past, I was thinking tonight that I can’t remember another time in my life where pretty much EVERYTHING is up in the air.

-Church. (that’s church as in the institution, not the body of Christ or my faith)

-My job. (see above. It’s crazy that I have to describe it that way. But regardless of the fact that I work in a field that I don’t want to be in for the rest of my life, there’s definitely the matter of what organization I’m in said field for. Sigh.)

-Residence. (Um, I really want my own place. (I thought about this next sentence for a full minute before I decided that I could type it.) Life changes fast, and before too many changes happen in my life, I really want to have my own space. Well, make that my and my best friend’s space. As much as I like my alone time…Marie, I definitely want to share an apartment with you!

-Love. This could fill a small bookshelf, so I’m just leaving this alone right now. But know that I love people. Actually, that’s pretty much it, on this aspect of the topic. I want to love people. And what I do in the name of “ministry” is getting in the way of ministry (of loving people).

The only thing (besides family) that isn’t up in the air is the concept of house church, and ours in particular.
For some reason, the whole concept has been driven home to me so many times over the past week. All of the thoughts and feelings kind of collided yesterday, as we sang after communion. I looked around at each face, each going through such different things, feeling many drastically different emotions, but everyone, from 5-year-old Katelyn to 20-year-old Marie, to thirty-(freaking)-one-year-old Doug were singing.

This girl doesn’t really cry, but I had to struggle not to right then. It was as if everything that has happened over the past few weeks all reached this crazy crescendo point, and I realized that no matter what, I wasn’t leaving. Ever since I first thought maybe I was supposed to be back in this area after graduation, it was ALWAYS a temporary thing. Even two months ago I was still putting out feelers and networking for jobs elsewhere. I’m not saying that I won’t move, or that I don’t want to live in a bigger city, because, um, DUH. And really, it isn’t the place, it’s the people.

Seeing Katelyn stretched out over Tina’s lap, with her feet sticking off the sofa, singing her heart out to “that song where the guys sing and the girls repeat”, it hit me. I want my kids to do that. To learn about God and Jesus and faith in this community. Or a community like this. To hear impromtu discussions about accountability sparked by a communion discussion (Tony, I have no idea how that discussion transitioned the way it did, but I’m so glad it did. Wait. Tony, if you are reading this… Haha. Seriously, whoever’s reading this, let me know! ) To be held accountable, in the good, Biblical sense of the word, not the crazy, beat you over the head with things sense of the word. To learn to cook from crazy “aunts” and “uncles” who want to help teach life to kids. Yeah, to learn, no, to live that life is because of the people around us, and the grace, love, and hilarity they give.

It’s 3:00 a.m., and I have a meeting in the morning. And a bunch of stuff I didn’t do tonight.

P.S. And yeah, if you really want to read between the lines, that crescendo point during the singing wasn’t just about kids…but about my life in this group, and all that entails, and that bullet point above ‘house church’. It’s another thing that I feel this way about- I can’t leave, and I don’t want to, and I’m not trying to.

And that’s a pretty big deal. That I’m not trying to. For the first time.

Abba Father, Your will be done.

Sunday Morning Thoughts

(Ok, so I wrote this in the middle of the night Saturday, and was going to post it Sunday morning.  But that didn’t happen on 2 hours of sleep.  But…here you go anyway.)

I could never be an every week preacher.  Every Saturday night I would be like “CRAP! I’ve got 8 hours to write an amazing sermon.  Not only would I be stressed out like crazy, (and um, not to mention the fact that 1) I’m a woman, and the idea of a woman preaching every week still is slightly odd, 2) I don’t see myself in a traditional church again, with the regular paid preacher, and 3) I’m really beginning to not believe in the Biblical accuracy or relevancy of preaching as we know it (but don’t tell my dad or that preaching major that I’m good friends with, ok?)), but I would be leaving God out of it, because I would think I could (or would have to) do it all! 

 That crazy college class comes back to haunt me again, as I do understand the point of planning ahead, in some ways, to let God speak that way. 

 But it’s just funny that we are talking about practical atheism today, and I find myself practicing it. 

 Last night, sitting in a downtown coffeeshop, drinking great drinks, silently reading together and challenging our views and what we’ve always known, and watching white snow fall on black city streets.  I could do that all the time. 

 Um, so I’m really, really, really loving Jon McLaughlin.  Wow, what a piano man.  His stuff has been on continuous play, that’s for sure. 

Family

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had these twinges of emotion hit me several times. I have these moments where I wish that things could be easy. When I wish that I could what my family, my background, and the young woman I was a few years ago all expect of me. I’ve heard of several churches in neat locations that are looking for staff, like one in a great Columbus neighborhood, or a suburb of Washington D.C., and I think “Why couldn’t I just be called to be a church administrator in DC?”

Those moments pass quickly, which I am very thankful for. I immediately think how ridiculous it is that I am even thinking these things. I know I am where I am called to be. Ok, correction. I know some areas of my life are in my calling. Others, like career…well, those are still up in the air.

Long trips with my dad are always interesting, because he always brings up church growth principles, and usually how they relate to the house church. (yes, I’m aware that those two terms are pretty oxymoronic…he, however, is not). I know that my dad and I think very differently when it comes to ministry, but I’m kind of used to that.

There are several major issues/principles that I am struggling with, trying to figure out just what I believe, and what that means for my life. These include worship music, preaching, church buildings, and worship as a whole.

While I guess I’ve known in the back of my mind that these (not just the issues listed in the previous paragraph, but everything I’ve talked about in this post) could/were going to cause major issues in my personal future, it wasn’t until tonight that it’s really starting to hit me that this is going to cause major relationship changes with my family. And that scares me. I don’t want things to change. I want my naivety back.

(I have no idea what to make of the fact that I just blatantly stated that I view my background in the Christian church/my family as naïve.)

I wrote a while back that I realized I was bucking family tradition by not being married or engaged at age 20. Tonight I realized that isn’t the only tradition that I’m bucking. (Also, it was really strange being the only single one with 4 couples). I’m taking steps to be the only one not working in ministry. To be the only woman that isn’t in some way a ministry wife. And in this side of the family, that’s huge. At least, there’s always the higher education bond. My dad was a college president, mom was an assistant at that college, my aunt works for a community college, my uncle is a college president, and one cousin’s husband is a campus minister at a major state university. No matter what, we all have some sort of background in higher education, so that’s good.

Those specific issues that I’m dealing with hit me a little while ago, when I was telling my mom that it was going to be strange to be going to a small local church in the morning. My church is a house church, but I am very acclimated to a megachurch culture. But a small church is a very different animal… I said something that made her think I was having trouble with traditional music. I couldn’t bear to tell her that it was religious music, period, that I find myself questioning often. She said something about “well, even if it’s traditional, can’t you still worship?” To which I couldn’t answer “but what is worship really?” So I said, actually, it’s more the preaching that will be hard. Because, there’s such a different mindset from a small town church from a suburban megachurch from a missional church from a house church. So, what will I struggle with most tomorrow? I’m going to say the preaching. But I’ll just have to see.
Sidenote-as I’m typing this, I’m suddenly went “HEY!” Y’all that were saying I couldn’t handle traditional music seem to have forgotten that I actually connect more with traditional hymns (and so do you!).

[A few sentences were removed, because they were blatantly discussing an issue I didn't really want on here....or didn't want to say out loud, one of the two!]  …And I’m ok with the forward looking. I guess what I’m reeling from is what happens when I look back.

But I don’t think I can go back. At all. Like I wrote earlier in this post, I can’t just take a job running a church somewhere. I can’t just move to a small town and work in real estate and go to the local church. I don’t know what following Jesus will look like, but I know, for me, that it isn’t looking back.

Angie and Trevor, Jared and Tina, Tony…I’ve always been able to see some similarities in our church backgrounds, and how we are affected by them. But I just never realized that I would be facing many of the same problems with my family. I really don’t think things would ever get drastically ugly, but at the same time, it’s with these people that as I figure things out, I’m going to have to be really honest, and be prepared to deal with misunderstandings, loss of common ground, and relationships that grow apart.

Help.

Abba Father, guide me as I search for the true meaning of family, amidst so many other answers that I’m searching for. Help me not to burn bridges, but to show love and grace even when people don’t agree. Amen.

What to write?

I have a bad habit of doing this…waiting until I have WAY too much to write.  But, here goes…

In the past few weeks, I’ve been into an emotional roller coaster, some of it in my own life, some of it with friends.

As much as I could say, I won’t, not on here, not right now.  But I’m comforted (ok, maybe slightly disturbed) by a couple of things.  First, that we’re not in middle school anymore.  That means that things in life are definitely more serious, more life-changing.  But at the same time, they are more life-changing.  As in, in a lot of ways, it’s really beginning to hit me that…(wow, I’m realizing this as I’m typing it) all that waiting for “someday”, all that saying “well, when I’m older…” or thinking that things are so far down the road…it’s here.

All those things I was waiting for, the life I was waiting to start.  I’m living it.  And tonight, writing this, I feel really compelled to truly live it wide-open, being the real me, and letting others in.  And I’m sometimes not very good at that.

I guess I kind of feel that I’ve reached a point of no return.  I can’t go backwards, and there are issues that just can’t be avoided, so it’s not like you can go sideways.  It’s time to move forward.

And oh yeah.  The other thing that I’m comforted by is the fact that God is in control.  If all of these things are His will, then so be it.  As it says in Ecclesiastes, “worrying can’t add one hair to your head”.  I’m just giving it over to God.  All these feelings that have been hidden for so long, feelings that I never knew were there, and feelings that just seem to go hand in hand with realizing that that life has started.

My dear friend Angie said last night that “there’s just nothing like finding your person”.  That with that person, you can accomplish so much more.  That your dreams can take new flight.

Like I realized 6 months ago, it’s that hope that I’m really living in.

Father, let me not be blinded by everything in the background, or the foreground.  Keep me focused on Your will.  Give my dreams passion and wings in Your timing.  I pray for the ability to love as You. 

So up and down emotionally….

Yesterday was SO up and down emotionally. On one hand I got to see some old good college friends; got to talk to college presidents and got some potential job leads for the future.   And, through those conversations, another situation that’s going on, and through a conversation with a Massillon school bus driver, I got some major affirmation that I could and really should get a job in the field of academics, or at least working somehow with college students. I really feel like it is reaffirmation of where I am supposed to be.

On the other hand, I learned some crazy sad news about a friend…news that is going to shake things up for quite a while, and that will be very hard for her to get through.  Several of us are just in shock, and trying to figure out how to best handle the situation.   Definitely with prayer, and trying to figure out what else to do.

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Things that I want to do…

Of, things I want to explore, to see how they fit in my life.

• The Old Testament
  • Really studying what the Old Testament can mean to me today
  •  Including Messianic Judaism
  • How Jesus’ Jewishness informed His life, and should/could inform ours
  • What laws from the OT still have a point today, and why they do
  • How the OT laws impact our eating
• Research local eating
  • CSA’s, organic, no white sugar/flour, etc.
• Other Christian traditions
• How I feel called to look at social justice, the poor, the oppressed, and so many others.
  • Anabaptist
  • Mennonite
• How a Jesus-follower could/should respond to environment?
  • Should we be green?
  • Balancing being good stewards of money with environment
• How I can have an impact on others?
  • Higher ed?
  • Non-profit?
    • What kind?
  • Corporate world?
  • Freelance marketing
  • Freelance writing
  • Networking
    • Career counseling?
  • Missions?
    • What causes should I really work for?

  Is this in the church at all?