A new day.

I was just thinking about all of the things that I have to do at work tomorrow, and how much I’m dreading it.

And I made a decision.

Life is too short for a job that I don’t want to be doing, don’t feel called to do, am not giving my best to, often don’t feel like I’m making a difference, and oh yes, really don’t agree with most days.

As I wrote several months ago, I want my life to be about influencing and loving people, from college students, to house church family, to family, to my children and my husband. And while I will very much miss several friendships at my current job, and the flexible schedule, there’s so much more that just isn’t worth it. That just isn’t ministry, isn’t real, isn’t church.

So. Today begins a countdown.

While I’m planning on going to Akron this fall, I still have to be accepted there, so that’s not a done deal. But Kent is. So, one way or another, I think I’m going somewhere in the fall. Or, I’ll be taking another job elsewhere.

If I have anything to do with it, Friday, August 1st will be my last day. That will give me three weeks before classes start to catch up on a lot of things around my house, and get ready for the next stage of my life.

(Small side note. It’s hitting me that the “next stage of my life” may be coming a little sooner than I was thinking. Not quite sure what to do with that.)

I’m kind of proud of myself because for the first time, I was able to say “in a few years, when I’m done with grad. school and in my first real job (funny, I think that might mean I’ve never felt that the current job is real, or permanent…), I’m going to buy myself that for my house.”  Normally, I’m thinking in abstract terms, or things that aren’t quite feasible, like buying myself a hybrid car for my 25th birthday.  (This was later revised to buying a digital SLR camera, but at this point, I’m going to be a grad. student living on loans, so that’s not going to work.  Um…also, almost added something else for what I might be by next January.  Whoa now.  Crazy brain. For the two of you that read this, it probably wasn’t as bad as you are thinking!)

ANYWAY, yesterday I was standing in an antique store in St. Elmo, Illinois (population 1,500!), and came across this book shelf.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a book addict.  And am eagerly awaiting a place to keep said books.  I’ve always liked mission style furniture, and now I know that it goes hand in hand with my favorite style of house, the Craftsman bungalow.  This particular book shelf had a sold sign on it, which may be a good thing, because I really didn’t need to talk myself out of buying a book shelf several states away.  (Even though some ebay research shows that it was a FANTASTIC deal.  Boo for when I go to buy one in the future…)  My fascination was further raised when my dad made a comment about the book shelf in regards to P.H. Welshimer, a very prominent minister at the church I grew up at, and in the Restoration Movement/Christian Church as a whole, and one that both my dad and I have written major research papers on.  Dad said that there is a picture of P.H. standing beside a bookcase just like this one!

(The one is actually an antique, and is quite a bit larger than this one.  But how amazing is this, with the spinning-ness, and the mass amount of books that fit on it!)

I’m really excited to have something to symbolize this new adventure…who knows where I’ll be living in two or three years, and just how my life will be different, but I’m excited to have finally made some decisions!

Abba Father, help me to follow Your will in all things.

There’s a first time for everything…

Every now and then I catch a whiff of your cologne.  It brings me back to writing this, which I’ve been trying to do for a couple of hours.

I don’t think either of us quite know what to do.  I don’t, that’s for sure.

We both aren’t happy in our jobs, but we aren’t quite sure what’s next.

Either of us would have picked up and moved easily, a year or so ago.  But now, a lot has changed.  (As much as I look forward to experiencing somewhere new someday, right now thinking about it about breaks my heart.)

But I’m beginning to wonder if subconciously, one or both of us are kind of waiting to see what the other one decides to do, job-wise.  (Although, interestingly, that’s the one part of our lives that aren’t really intertwined right now, and that we are separately talking all sorts of options.

Did I seriously just write all that on here?  Wow.  Hello, and apparently, welcome to Carey being bluntly open.

So, Angie, that suggestion from earlier this week?  Give me six months, and I may be all about that.  Or maybe something way more drastic…

I need a vacation from life.  Just for a few days, just enough to make me realize what I can’t live without, and what I can move on from just fine.

We held hands tonight for the first time.  And it was so natural I almost didn’t realize it at first.

(And then I almost freaked out.  But you’ll have that.  )

A fork in the road?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some nagging questions, but it wasn’t until tonight, driving home in the rain (there’s something romantic about driving home in the rain…or I’m just sappy.) that the questions seemed to gain some sort of order.

I’m struggling with where my place is, if any, in the megachurch…in my current job. I have opportunities to stay, I have opportunities to stay involved through some freelancing work. But why? When I make myself stop and think, I can remember the reasons why I can’t stay, but some days, they are hard to see. (Especially with a boss saying “Just don’t quit!”)

I’m struggling with the decision to go to grad school. I’m struggling with choosing a new career. I can play the part beautifully, but is this really where I am supposed to be? When I actually have some encounters in higher ed, I really think it is, but I’ve been so bogged down lately with megachurch that I can’t see past the church walls. (And yes, I do believe that there is something terribly wrong with that example.)

I’m struggling with where I see myself going with my (new) career. For example, today, I actually said “And, if I decide to get my doctorate…” As the words were leaving my lips, I was immediately thinking “Seriously?! What are you thinking? What would you DO with a doctorate? You’re having enough trouble justifying getting a master’s!” and “In five years, you may very well be married with a little kid or two, living across the country, and can you actually see yourself working on, yet alone using a doctorate?” Doctorate or not, I’m just wondering if, like I said before, five years from now, I will be that person that people meet, and some time later are like “She has a master’s? In that? I never would have known!” In other words, will I use this? I have many more thoughts on this, but they are quite jumbled at this point. Hmm.

I don’t know where I see myself. I don’t know where I fit. And for some reason, true or not, I think that these answers play a part in the other things in my life, and just how that fits in. And maybe that’s because the parts are getting harder and harder to separate.

Moral of today– Be honest. Be open and honest. Just like Penny says. And I hate that feeling when I drive (or fly) away, and all I can think of are all of the things I should have said. Because I think he can help me answer these questions. Or at least, it’s important to see what he has to say.

And what you have to say. Thoughts?

Interesting…

The past week has been interesting, to say the least.

I’ve had moments of utter despair, wondering how things could fall apart so drastically.

I’ve had moments of peace, where I could see that things might just work out ok.

I’ve had moments of sheer wonder, as I keep finding myself in situations and with feelings that I never expected, even though I now realize I had no idea what I was expecting. 

Through it all, I’ve had friends and family backing me up, encouraging me, and helping me to see that God’s hand is in this. I’ve realized more and more that so very much about my current job is just pure irony, right down to the moment when I realized that I think I’ve finally found a career that will make me say “I can’t believe I get to do this for a living”. And then I just chuckle to myself, as it hits me once again that so many people say that about my job, but it makes so little sense to me.

Since so many things are changing/colliding at once, there are moments when I wonder how things are going to/should work together. Like when I wonder how, who knows how long from now, this career would balance well with young children. Or when I wonder if I’ll be one of those people that other people say about: “What?! She has a master’s degree? In what?” (And don’t tell me you haven’t done that about someone before. )

But for now, I’m excited to pursue my future career. Sometimes it gets rather discouraging to know that I wouldn’t need to the degree to get the job I want, but that’s what the institutions require. Ah well, it’s ok. I like going to school, being in the classroom.

And I’m excited about other aspects of my life. I’m so excited to stop dividing my loyalties between churches. And I’m so excited to see how a great friendship becomes greater.

Flashbacks

I had the most interesting conversation today.  I met a guy named Scott, who is planting an church plant in suburban Cleveland.

As I mentioned to him that I had chosen the major I did with the intent of working in communications for a church plant, he was blown away.  He kept saying “Wait, you want to work in communications in a church plant?”

I tried to explain that my passion now is really for so much more organic ideas, especially house churches, but he tried to explain to me that what they are doing really isn’t all that different.

There’s just no way of explaining to someone you just met that you don’t believe that a church needs a building, that it takes $250,000 to start a church, that today’s preaching is Biblical, that worship music should be used to attract non-Christians, etc.  Just no way.

But it sure was intriguing.  He really wants to meet with me again, to see what connections I might have for them, and just how I might be involved. 

Man, if this was a few years, one final ending to a crazy relationship, and a house church ago, I would be one excited girl.  This is everything my 20-year-old self wanted, everything I was working for. 

Some days, it hits me once again just how much things are changing, and how much I want them to/they have to.  And today is one of those days. 

I kind of wish it could be easy.  I wish I could just go work for that church plant. 

But for so many reasons, I just can’t.  These churches deserve to have staff that are fully invested in their processes, DNA, beliefs.  And I just don’t fit that mold at all. 

I used to.  But God, a house church, some amazing friends, and one guy that drives me insane and challenges me like no one else changed all that. 

Adult?! Career!?

I just typed “I feel that there is much for me to learn about this field, and that continuing developments in technology and in academic fields will encourage continued studies and research throughout my career.”

Good grief. My career.

When did I become an adult with a career?

(For the first time in several years, it finally feels like I’ve found something that I could actually do for a long time! This is in direct opposition to my current field, which I never planned to be in, and have always known I wanted out. That is both encouraging and daunting!)

P.S. Don’t forget to read the post below this one! It’s new too!

Excited

So, like I was early this morning, I’m procrastinating again, but this time I’m wide awake. (And I really shouldn’t be, since tomorrow will be a mad dash of picking up signage for work, making sure I’ve got all the paperwork submitted and faxed for the grad school application, getting ready for a leadership event on Saturday and the normal Friday chaos…all in the midst of a snow storm. Yay for Ohio.)

Several times today, I’ve stopped in the middle of what I was doing, and realized that I am just plain EXCITED.

A crazy experience this morning with a woman at a major university who *SHOULD* know what she was talking about reminded me just how huge the disconnect is between what the administration and staff of a university think students know/need to know, what they share with students, and what the students know, as well as how they interpret what those in authority say. It’s crazy.

And I want to be a part of fixing these disconnects. I’m so excited about my future career! So excited to work with, be a part of, and (hopefully) change policy, and above all, impact students lives.

Today was a love/hate day at my job, and while I love so many of the people that I work with, I’m excited to get out of there. Yes, I’m idealistic in thinking that I can change policy in a university, when I can’t change it in the local church, but hey, a girl can dream. And, ironically, in the long-term, the way I do see myself changing policy is at a small private college, and many of these are religious. Everything in my family history, personal background and education, and even my faith background leads me back to such a school…but…I don’t know where I will stand after I leave RiverTree, and everything that will come from really walking away. (If I can REALLY walk away.)

Strangely, on a day when I finally feel so at peace and excited about my academic and career future, I’m feeling kind of leery about a couple other things in my life.

I think maybe it’s finally the commitment-phobe rearing its head. And my paranoia of being too stalker-like. (Been there. And I seriously regret that.)

And I’ve realized that when I’m scared/don’t know what to do I procrastinate/sabotage things (this happened shortly before college graduation, when I didn’t know what to do. My friend Brandon did it too.) So maybe I’m not ok with three major issues in my life actually working smoothly for a change. Hmmm…psychoanalyzing myself.

I also think that all this talk of careers has brought out a little of the dormant “independent career woman” that I used to be. Not that I’m not independent. It’s so odd…It really wasn’t that long ago, but the differences between who I was then, who I became in college (hello, future youth minister’s wife!) and who I am now make my head spin.

Ok, wow, this post turned into Debbie Downer. Can’t have too much of that right now. (I’ll put myself to sleep!)

Off to go incorporate the “I’m excited” philosophy into my “purpose statement”. Hey, is that like a purpose-driven statement? (I crack myself up sometimes!)

By tomorrow at this time, all this paperwork will be done, and hopefully celebrating will be done with friends, so I can get some sleep! (And, yeah, write Sunday’s discussion time…which I remembered in a flash this afternoon! Nothing like adding to the stress of the week!)

Good grief, I feel like I could write pages. Wait, maybe that’s a good thing, since I need to GO WRITE!!!

P.S. Coming to a blog near you–A completely honest, open post about relationships in the Bible college setting, from someone who never thought the same way as many her peers, and most definitely does not now!

Abba Father, Your will, Your timing, just You.

Never been so sure

…of nothing.

Since I’ve spent so much time lately thinking about both the future and the past, I was thinking tonight that I can’t remember another time in my life where pretty much EVERYTHING is up in the air.

-Church. (that’s church as in the institution, not the body of Christ or my faith)

-My job. (see above. It’s crazy that I have to describe it that way. But regardless of the fact that I work in a field that I don’t want to be in for the rest of my life, there’s definitely the matter of what organization I’m in said field for. Sigh.)

-Residence. (Um, I really want my own place. (I thought about this next sentence for a full minute before I decided that I could type it.) Life changes fast, and before too many changes happen in my life, I really want to have my own space. Well, make that my and my best friend’s space. As much as I like my alone time…Marie, I definitely want to share an apartment with you!

-Love. This could fill a small bookshelf, so I’m just leaving this alone right now. But know that I love people. Actually, that’s pretty much it, on this aspect of the topic. I want to love people. And what I do in the name of “ministry” is getting in the way of ministry (of loving people).

The only thing (besides family) that isn’t up in the air is the concept of house church, and ours in particular.
For some reason, the whole concept has been driven home to me so many times over the past week. All of the thoughts and feelings kind of collided yesterday, as we sang after communion. I looked around at each face, each going through such different things, feeling many drastically different emotions, but everyone, from 5-year-old Katelyn to 20-year-old Marie, to thirty-(freaking)-one-year-old Doug were singing.

This girl doesn’t really cry, but I had to struggle not to right then. It was as if everything that has happened over the past few weeks all reached this crazy crescendo point, and I realized that no matter what, I wasn’t leaving. Ever since I first thought maybe I was supposed to be back in this area after graduation, it was ALWAYS a temporary thing. Even two months ago I was still putting out feelers and networking for jobs elsewhere. I’m not saying that I won’t move, or that I don’t want to live in a bigger city, because, um, DUH. And really, it isn’t the place, it’s the people.

Seeing Katelyn stretched out over Tina’s lap, with her feet sticking off the sofa, singing her heart out to “that song where the guys sing and the girls repeat”, it hit me. I want my kids to do that. To learn about God and Jesus and faith in this community. Or a community like this. To hear impromtu discussions about accountability sparked by a communion discussion (Tony, I have no idea how that discussion transitioned the way it did, but I’m so glad it did. Wait. Tony, if you are reading this… Haha. Seriously, whoever’s reading this, let me know! ) To be held accountable, in the good, Biblical sense of the word, not the crazy, beat you over the head with things sense of the word. To learn to cook from crazy “aunts” and “uncles” who want to help teach life to kids. Yeah, to learn, no, to live that life is because of the people around us, and the grace, love, and hilarity they give.

It’s 3:00 a.m., and I have a meeting in the morning. And a bunch of stuff I didn’t do tonight.

P.S. And yeah, if you really want to read between the lines, that crescendo point during the singing wasn’t just about kids…but about my life in this group, and all that entails, and that bullet point above ‘house church’. It’s another thing that I feel this way about- I can’t leave, and I don’t want to, and I’m not trying to.

And that’s a pretty big deal. That I’m not trying to. For the first time.

Abba Father, Your will be done.

Investing My Life

I want to invest my life in people. Period. End of story.

Through conversations, asking questions, challenging myself and others, being a friend, showing love, I want to invest in people.

There are three main ways that I am really seeing myself do this:

1. Through relationships
   1. In a house church
   2. Through intentional relationships through my job, the community, life
2. Through college students
   1. Challenging/Encouraging/Building Relationships through academic advising and career counseling
3. Through family
   1. Husband (Someday)
   2. Children (Someday)
   3. Extended family

I’m excited to have some clarification in these things.  For some reason, God seems to be clearing my vision over the past few days.  Through this, and the continuing [related/unrelated] issues at my job,  I’m seeing more clearly that this is not my long-term future.  So, for now, I’m going to focus on getting things organized, and finishing well, and pouring what time and energy I have into the thing that I am passionate about.   People.

Staring out the window…

I’m sitting here with questions.

Questions about love, faith, the future, career, everything.

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, in the house by myself, and I really need to be working on my grad. school application.  But that begs the question of why I am applying for that program, or grad. school at all?  I guess I’m applying for it because there’s a deadline coming up, and I’ve missed too many of those in past years.  But why higher ed admin?  Is “because I have no idea what else I would study” a valid answer?

Yeah, didn’t quite think so.  “Because I want to be back in the academic setting”?

Slightly changing topics, I feel like I’m right on the edge of several of the huge dreams in my life, almost the life I always wanted, even though I never quite realized it before.  But if that’s the case, it turns everything else on it’s head.  Career, education…all of it.

I don’t think there was a time when I didn’t always see myself as quite a career woman.  Sometimes more than others, but still…  I feel like I’m definitely facing more grown-up dreams, the more grown-up version of myself.

(Really random, but I just noticed that one of my neighbor’s windows is up.   Newsflash-this is Ohio, and it’s snowing.)

Hmmm….  I’m not naive enough to say that I can’t pin, in some way, the source of my dreams shifting and changing…no wait.  That’s not right.  Scratch that.  Regardless of the players in this musical (and it is a musical, not a play.  Y’all break out into song enough!), this has been a year-long process of dream changing for me, not dependent on any one person.  That makes me feel better.

There are days where I make an escape plan…where I think “this is what I would do if…”  That’s really sad.  Am I that afraid of commitment?  Maybe I just know myself well enough to know that this heart, it can break.  Hard.  Ugh.  I don’t want to even be thinking about this, let alone writing it.

I feel completely in limbo.  Not really in limbo, but in some time warp…a bizarro world, if you will, where things are done backwards, and done without any definition.  Most days I’m ok with that, but not every day.  And not today.

Are God’s timing/God’s will and an ultimatum oxymorons?

I’m sure that soon, maybe even today, I’ll be back to my normal, happy and content, slightly sappy self.  But how long does that go on?

*rests head on table  I really want to call off sick.  My throat hurts, my head is groggy, and I’m just not there.  Wait…am I ever quite there?

Too many questions.  And I guess that I should acknowledge that even if definition comes, and comes in the way I’d like it to, that won’t bring much more clarification to the other thoughts  and questions in my head.  But hey, you’ve got to start somewhere.

Since I’m taking a self-imposed break from reading blogs (except for a few) this week, I think I’ll be back to write more.