You know, I would be the only one that would somehow manage to accidentally say those three little words.
Ok, so it wasn’t quite by accident, as I thought long and hard about what I was saying (writing), but it was out of the blue, and not how I would have planned it, and funny, and…just so us.
This next year six months may be the wildest I’ve ever experienced, and may just be the wildest for quite some time. I’m alternating between forgetting that anything is changing to bursting out laughing because I can’t quite grasp it all. And I keep being blown away by the fact that this is my life. For so many reasons.
And sometime, sometime… in the course of today, I’ve gone from thinking “Oh my gosh, I can’t handle all this change at once!” to thinking “Oh, what the heck! If I’m gonna change one thing, might was well change everything!” (Not sure if that’s good logic or not, but it’s progress of some sort!)
P.S. I keep thinking that I should google one of those Christian books for what questions to ask in a serious relationship. And then I start laughing at myself. Because I threw the rest of the Christian books out the door ages ago, so why would I start now? And because, as much as I would like to be, I just don’t think so many people fit in those molds, and I really don’t think we do!
Disclaimer–I do believe there is value in that kind of book, taken in moderation, for some people, somewhere. 
Wasn’t that the title of a bad reality show? Hmm…
Anyway, I’m getting the feeling that my life may never stop being surreal and never stop surprising me.
Just when I think I might just possibly have something figured out, something else throws me for a loop.
At this point, there are only two three things I know for sure.
I know that this relationship keeps blowing me away, and I’m amazed that IT is quite possibly the most stable thing in my life. I never saw that coming.
I know that within the next month, we both are going to have to make decisions, or have decisions made for us, that are going to dictate where I (we?) spend the next year, and quite possibly the next two. There are current jobs on the line, at least one possible new job, educational opportunities, housing changes/opportunities. It’s just a little daunting at times. One day at a time…
I know that I love Jesus, and I want to follow Him with others, and I’ve got a renewed hope for dreams that have been pushed to the side for too long. I’m excited to pursue these dreams with friends, new and old!
And maybe that’s all I really need to know. That I need relationships around me (I have great friends, all around), that I can take things one day at a time, that I need to keep running for dreams, and that I love Jesus.
Tonight is the first time that I’m setting my alarm to make sure someone other than me is up for an important meeting.
8:30 a.m. Edit-Ok, so I didn’t actually call or text to make sure that the someone else was up, but I did wake up and pray for him at that point…hopefully that counts!
I was just thinking about all of the things that I have to do at work tomorrow, and how much I’m dreading it.
And I made a decision.
Life is too short for a job that I don’t want to be doing, don’t feel called to do, am not giving my best to, often don’t feel like I’m making a difference, and oh yes, really don’t agree with most days.
As I wrote several months ago, I want my life to be about influencing and loving people, from college students, to house church family, to family, to my children and my husband. And while I will very much miss several friendships at my current job, and the flexible schedule, there’s so much more that just isn’t worth it. That just isn’t ministry, isn’t real, isn’t church.
So. Today begins a countdown.
While I’m planning on going to Akron this fall, I still have to be accepted there, so that’s not a done deal. But Kent is. So, one way or another, I think I’m going somewhere in the fall. Or, I’ll be taking another job elsewhere.
If I have anything to do with it, Friday, August 1st will be my last day. That will give me three weeks before classes start to catch up on a lot of things around my house, and get ready for the next stage of my life.
(Small side note. It’s hitting me that the “next stage of my life” may be coming a little sooner than I was thinking. Not quite sure what to do with that.)
I’m kind of proud of myself because for the first time, I was able to say “in a few years, when I’m done with grad. school and in my first real job (funny, I think that might mean I’ve never felt that the current job is real, or permanent…), I’m going to buy myself that for my house.” Normally, I’m thinking in abstract terms, or things that aren’t quite feasible, like buying myself a hybrid car for my 25th birthday. (This was later revised to buying a digital SLR camera, but at this point, I’m going to be a grad. student living on loans, so that’s not going to work. Um…also, almost added something else for what I might be by next January. Whoa now. Crazy brain. For the two of you that read this, it probably wasn’t as bad as you are thinking!)
ANYWAY, yesterday I was standing in an antique store in St. Elmo, Illinois (population 1,500!), and came across this book shelf. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a book addict. And am eagerly awaiting a place to keep said books. I’ve always liked mission style furniture, and now I know that it goes hand in hand with my favorite style of house, the Craftsman bungalow. This particular book shelf had a sold sign on it, which may be a good thing, because I really didn’t need to talk myself out of buying a book shelf several states away. (Even though some ebay research shows that it was a FANTASTIC deal. Boo for when I go to buy one in the future…) My fascination was further raised when my dad made a comment about the book shelf in regards to P.H. Welshimer, a very prominent minister at the church I grew up at, and in the Restoration Movement/Christian Church as a whole, and one that both my dad and I have written major research papers on. Dad said that there is a picture of P.H. standing beside a bookcase just like this one!
(The one is actually an antique, and is quite a bit larger than this one. But how amazing is this, with the spinning-ness, and the mass amount of books that fit on it!)
I’m really excited to have something to symbolize this new adventure…who knows where I’ll be living in two or three years, and just how my life will be different, but I’m excited to have finally made some decisions!
Abba Father, help me to follow Your will in all things.
Exactly two years ago, on May 12, 2006, I had just returned from college, and over the next year, I really forgot that I hadn’t just landed back here because it was my hometown, but because I really felt called back here.
Here’s a bit of what I wrote that day.
“This week has been difficult in some ways, as I’ve learned that the ministry God called me back here to do (use me to work with several young women from my home church and high school) is going to be harder than I ever thought. I just can’t believe how so many have gone so far astray. And I fear the fault lies in how their parents have taught them to know Christ’s message in their heads, but not in their hearts. And for that I end up having to blame what the American institutional church has become…”
“On the positive side, I’ve found several allies in the most unlikely places, including a girl who, for all intents and purposes, should be completely buried in sin (pretty much how she says it), yet she is as passionate as I am about helping these young women. “
The crazy thing? I don’t think I had any idea that the day I wrote that post was actually that girl’s birthday! Now, two years later, Marie, I’m so proud of you for all the things you’ve come through, and how God is continuing to work in your life. I know it’s not easy, and that there are often tough choices to be made, but you really are making a difference and asking the hard questions and growing. I’m honored to call you friend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
My mother, who is continuing to deal with chaos related to playing the piano for my cousin’s wedding, just asked the following:
“When you get married, will you elope?”
Too funny!
Every now and then I catch a whiff of your cologne. It brings me back to writing this, which I’ve been trying to do for a couple of hours.
I don’t think either of us quite know what to do. I don’t, that’s for sure.
We both aren’t happy in our jobs, but we aren’t quite sure what’s next.
Either of us would have picked up and moved easily, a year or so ago. But now, a lot has changed. (As much as I look forward to experiencing somewhere new someday, right now thinking about it about breaks my heart.)
But I’m beginning to wonder if subconciously, one or both of us are kind of waiting to see what the other one decides to do, job-wise. (Although, interestingly, that’s the one part of our lives that aren’t really intertwined right now, and that we are separately talking all sorts of options.
Did I seriously just write all that on here? Wow. Hello, and apparently, welcome to Carey being bluntly open.
So, Angie, that suggestion from earlier this week? Give me six months, and I may be all about that. Or maybe something way more drastic…
I need a vacation from life. Just for a few days, just enough to make me realize what I can’t live without, and what I can move on from just fine.
We held hands tonight for the first time. And it was so natural I almost didn’t realize it at first.
(And then I almost freaked out. But you’ll have that. )
Someday, in the distant future, when you have a house, remember one thing.
Of all the insane allergies you are stuck with, the worst is the DUST.
Just remember the almost immediate sinus and head pain from working in a dusty space.
And then, do one of the following.
1) Clean a lot.
2) Hire a maid.
3) Budget for a cleaning service.
Because hiring a maid sounds absolutely insane and 1940’s and wealthy (and as for wealth, have you met me?), I’m all about number three. Because, um, about number 1? Again, have you met me? There are so many better things to do with my life than clean. I may have an addictive personality, but if I ever get addicted to cleaning, y’all have my permission to take me out and SHOOT ME.
Ok, that’s all.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some nagging questions, but it wasn’t until tonight, driving home in the rain (there’s something romantic about driving home in the rain…or I’m just sappy.) that the questions seemed to gain some sort of order.
I’m struggling with where my place is, if any, in the megachurch…in my current job. I have opportunities to stay, I have opportunities to stay involved through some freelancing work. But why? When I make myself stop and think, I can remember the reasons why I can’t stay, but some days, they are hard to see. (Especially with a boss saying “Just don’t quit!”)
I’m struggling with the decision to go to grad school. I’m struggling with choosing a new career. I can play the part beautifully, but is this really where I am supposed to be? When I actually have some encounters in higher ed, I really think it is, but I’ve been so bogged down lately with megachurch that I can’t see past the church walls. (And yes, I do believe that there is something terribly wrong with that example.)
I’m struggling with where I see myself going with my (new) career. For example, today, I actually said “And, if I decide to get my doctorate…” As the words were leaving my lips, I was immediately thinking “Seriously?! What are you thinking? What would you DO with a doctorate? You’re having enough trouble justifying getting a master’s!” and “In five years, you may very well be married with a little kid or two, living across the country, and can you actually see yourself working on, yet alone using a doctorate?” Doctorate or not, I’m just wondering if, like I said before, five years from now, I will be that person that people meet, and some time later are like “She has a master’s? In that? I never would have known!” In other words, will I use this? I have many more thoughts on this, but they are quite jumbled at this point. Hmm.
I don’t know where I see myself. I don’t know where I fit. And for some reason, true or not, I think that these answers play a part in the other things in my life, and just how that fits in. And maybe that’s because the parts are getting harder and harder to separate.
Moral of today– Be honest. Be open and honest. Just like Penny says. And I hate that feeling when I drive (or fly) away, and all I can think of are all of the things I should have said. Because I think he can help me answer these questions. Or at least, it’s important to see what he has to say.
And what you have to say. Thoughts?
