You know, I would be the only one that would somehow manage to accidentally say those three little words.
Ok, so it wasn’t quite by accident, as I thought long and hard about what I was saying (writing), but it was out of the blue, and not how I would have planned it, and funny, and…just so us.
(Disclaimer–Before I freak anyone out just by the headline, I am not talking about a recent life-changing conversation! You didn’t miss anything like that while you were gone! 
)
The best that I can figure, one year ago today (or maybe yesterday, not quite sure), I had one of those conversations that you never know it at the time, but that end up changing your life…or being the start of your life changing.
I was driving home from somewhere, and took a detour through a neighborhood that some friends and I had talked about moving into, to live intentionally, live in community, etc. As I meandered, I noticed a sign for a neighborhood meeting that coming Thursday, and I thought that maybe one of my good friends would want to attend the meeting with me, because we are just cool like that.
So, I gave Tony a call. I told him what was going on, and he was definitely interested in going to the meeting. But what should have been a 5 minute conversation didn’t end there. We talked for another 45 minutes, as I drove home, had something thrown at my window by a coworker, scaring me to pieces, and wandered around the sidewalk in front of my house.
I remember bits and pieces of that conversation, as we talked about friends in common, how interested we both were in living in the city, with a group of people, and just loving people there.
And at one point in the conversation, he asked me how my date had gone.
Just a few days before, on the previous Friday, I’d gone out on a date with one of my best friends from college, because everyone thought we were going to get married, and we finally decided to try dating.
Our group of (girl) friends had been so excited for that date…everyone except for me. And I didn’t even know that Tony knew about it. I told him that honestly, the date was like going out with my brother. My heart just wasn’t in it.
Edit: How I forgot to put this in when I first wrote this out, I have no idea. After I shared with him about the date, and how it didn’t go well, Tony matter-of-factly said “Yeah, I don’t think you two are right for each other.” At that point he was the ONLY one that had said that! End edit.
The conversation shifted back, and we continued talking about how much we both wanted to live and make a difference in the inner city, and our careers. I think we talked about how we both wanted to work in education on some level. It was so neat and relaxing to just share thoughts and dreams in common.
And somewhere, in the middle of that conversation, it hit me. Really hit me. The boy I had gone on a date with, for reasons that had changed and grown so much over the 4 years we had been friends, wasn’t right for me, and never would be.
And in a way that God has used in other moments, it hit me that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be with the man on the phone, but he was proof that there were guys out there that were a much better fit for me! In other words, God showed me that I needed to look at the bigger picture.
Or maybe, God showed me that I was finally ready to see who was right beside my heart the whole time…just waiting for me to see what he saw.
I can remember another distinct moment, a few weeks or a few months later, I’m not sure, where I remember thinking “I wonder if he’ll ever realize that we could be good together?”
It would be months later, as my feelings developed more, and I finally admitted to one person that I had feelings for him (which ended up being a total God-thing on the timing of that conversation, but that’s a story for another day), when I finally realized that he had realized that long before, and was just waiting for ME to realize it.
And about that conversation one year ago…looking back now, I can see that that night was when I started to fall in love.
This next year six months may be the wildest I’ve ever experienced, and may just be the wildest for quite some time. I’m alternating between forgetting that anything is changing to bursting out laughing because I can’t quite grasp it all. And I keep being blown away by the fact that this is my life. For so many reasons.
And sometime, sometime… in the course of today, I’ve gone from thinking “Oh my gosh, I can’t handle all this change at once!” to thinking “Oh, what the heck! If I’m gonna change one thing, might was well change everything!” (Not sure if that’s good logic or not, but it’s progress of some sort!)
P.S. I keep thinking that I should google one of those Christian books for what questions to ask in a serious relationship. And then I start laughing at myself. Because I threw the rest of the Christian books out the door ages ago, so why would I start now? And because, as much as I would like to be, I just don’t think so many people fit in those molds, and I really don’t think we do!
Disclaimer–I do believe there is value in that kind of book, taken in moderation, for some people, somewhere.
Every now and then I catch a whiff of your cologne. It brings me back to writing this, which I’ve been trying to do for a couple of hours.
I don’t think either of us quite know what to do. I don’t, that’s for sure.
We both aren’t happy in our jobs, but we aren’t quite sure what’s next.
Either of us would have picked up and moved easily, a year or so ago. But now, a lot has changed. (As much as I look forward to experiencing somewhere new someday, right now thinking about it about breaks my heart.)
But I’m beginning to wonder if subconciously, one or both of us are kind of waiting to see what the other one decides to do, job-wise. (Although, interestingly, that’s the one part of our lives that aren’t really intertwined right now, and that we are separately talking all sorts of options.
Did I seriously just write all that on here? Wow. Hello, and apparently, welcome to Carey being bluntly open.
So, Angie, that suggestion from earlier this week? Give me six months, and I may be all about that. Or maybe something way more drastic…
I need a vacation from life. Just for a few days, just enough to make me realize what I can’t live without, and what I can move on from just fine.
We held hands tonight for the first time. And it was so natural I almost didn’t realize it at first.
(And then I almost freaked out. But you’ll have that. )
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with some nagging questions, but it wasn’t until tonight, driving home in the rain (there’s something romantic about driving home in the rain…or I’m just sappy.) that the questions seemed to gain some sort of order.
I’m struggling with where my place is, if any, in the megachurch…in my current job. I have opportunities to stay, I have opportunities to stay involved through some freelancing work. But why? When I make myself stop and think, I can remember the reasons why I can’t stay, but some days, they are hard to see. (Especially with a boss saying “Just don’t quit!”)
I’m struggling with the decision to go to grad school. I’m struggling with choosing a new career. I can play the part beautifully, but is this really where I am supposed to be? When I actually have some encounters in higher ed, I really think it is, but I’ve been so bogged down lately with megachurch that I can’t see past the church walls. (And yes, I do believe that there is something terribly wrong with that example.)
I’m struggling with where I see myself going with my (new) career. For example, today, I actually said “And, if I decide to get my doctorate…” As the words were leaving my lips, I was immediately thinking “Seriously?! What are you thinking? What would you DO with a doctorate? You’re having enough trouble justifying getting a master’s!” and “In five years, you may very well be married with a little kid or two, living across the country, and can you actually see yourself working on, yet alone using a doctorate?” Doctorate or not, I’m just wondering if, like I said before, five years from now, I will be that person that people meet, and some time later are like “She has a master’s? In that? I never would have known!” In other words, will I use this? I have many more thoughts on this, but they are quite jumbled at this point. Hmm.
I don’t know where I see myself. I don’t know where I fit. And for some reason, true or not, I think that these answers play a part in the other things in my life, and just how that fits in. And maybe that’s because the parts are getting harder and harder to separate.
Moral of today– Be honest. Be open and honest. Just like Penny says. And I hate that feeling when I drive (or fly) away, and all I can think of are all of the things I should have said. Because I think he can help me answer these questions. Or at least, it’s important to see what he has to say.
And what you have to say. Thoughts?
The past week has been interesting, to say the least.
I’ve had moments of utter despair, wondering how things could fall apart so drastically.
I’ve had moments of peace, where I could see that things might just work out ok.
I’ve had moments of sheer wonder, as I keep finding myself in situations and with feelings that I never expected, even though I now realize I had no idea what I was expecting.
Through it all, I’ve had friends and family backing me up, encouraging me, and helping me to see that God’s hand is in this. I’ve realized more and more that so very much about my current job is just pure irony, right down to the moment when I realized that I think I’ve finally found a career that will make me say “I can’t believe I get to do this for a living”. And then I just chuckle to myself, as it hits me once again that so many people say that about my job, but it makes so little sense to me.
Since so many things are changing/colliding at once, there are moments when I wonder how things are going to/should work together. Like when I wonder how, who knows how long from now, this career would balance well with young children. Or when I wonder if I’ll be one of those people that other people say about: “What?! She has a master’s degree? In what?” (And don’t tell me you haven’t done that about someone before. )
But for now, I’m excited to pursue my future career. Sometimes it gets rather discouraging to know that I wouldn’t need to the degree to get the job I want, but that’s what the institutions require. Ah well, it’s ok. I like going to school, being in the classroom.
And I’m excited about other aspects of my life. I’m so excited to stop dividing my loyalties between churches. And I’m so excited to see how a great friendship becomes greater.
It’s been a wild few weeks. I feel like I’m maybe starting to emerge with a slightly different outlook…starting to emerge from the gloom and despair that I’ve been stuck in (at least in one area of my life).
What turned things around? A beautiful weekend in a great city and amazing beauty? Well, that kind of confused me all the more. A conversation with a friend who I don’t usually agree with really changed things. She challenged me that this is good, the stress, the confusion, the struggle to be open, and vulnerable is really making me grow, that it’s adult, that it’s good for me to be challenged this way. Even though there’s much she doesn’t know, and she really only met him once or twice, she started listing the good things about him…those things that I just couldn’t bring myself to write down last night. But she’s right, there definitely are many things that make this worth a shot.
The other thing that really hit me was a new blog that I stumbled upon tonight. In a crazy twist of irony, the woman writing is a college professor and her husband is a doctor. It made stop and just stop for a moment. But beyond the irony…sometimes just reading about the normal, everyday life of a family, loving husband and wife, and children really helps me to refocus, to re-prioritize, and spend some time remembering that I really do want that life. Even thought there are days when it seem so very out of place. (Then again, my hormonal self was questioning my decision to leave my job today. Um, hello?! That’s kind of not an option! And my rational self knows this!)
The thing that really seems to be hitting me is that love, in many ways, is a choice.
I’ve heard that in my different places, most notably in the song lyrics of a friend, and in a text message of a dear friend who had that thought hit her months ago, in regards to my situation, which was very different back then. (Ok, wait, it’s been almost 4 months since my feelings were first said out loud. Good grief. Each month has brought a completely different emotion…completely different theme…can my emotions continue like this?)
So, choice. Tonight, I’m thinking that I need to take a choice on love. For reasons I don’t quite understand, and for reasons that I can’t even seem to fathom right now, this could be a really good thing.
You know, over the past year, I’ve occasionally referenced feeling like I needed to take a leap of faith. I wonder if this is it? I’ve really never thought of it in this way.
While I don’t think I’ll ever think that fateful was the way to handle the situation, I think that some good will come out of this. That being said, I’m still reeling from the feelings, doubts and insecurities that have now come up.
So, I guess, all of this being said, I think that I (we?) owe it to myself to try this. To figure out what that looks like, for us, to figure out how we BOTH can be more open, to be honest with each other. Even though I’m still questioning some things, questioning my very emotions, I feel like I can’t move forward without there being some definition. And that moving backward may be beneficial, but it may also be disastrous.
But that’s going to mean facing some hurdles. The absolute major one being that I really need to know that he’s committed to this. That he isn’t just trying to get out of this. (I guess, I need to know why he really sent the email.) Also, I really need to feel that my opinions are respected, even if they aren’t agreed with.
I’m scared out of my mind. I keep back to little things this weekend that were said that make me really question, and I really, really want to run the other way. If I really believe this has a chance, I really have to make myself stay put, and that means being open, being vulnerable, being willing to get hurt. And I have no idea how to do that.
Abba Father, help my emotions, help my sanity, guide my steps, my words, my heart.
