The Little Things…

Most of the time, I find myself wanting to run ahead, wanting to get to that next big step.  And I’m so impatient.

But then moments happen like late tonight.  When I realize that I truly love the pace that we are going.  That it’s helping me to fall a little at a time, and to realize that this is truly something that I want, and truly something that I want to last.  And to just realize that I’m ok…that I’m not going to run.

Tonight, it was the touch of your rough stubble on my cheek.  It was a feeling that I had wondered if I would be ok with, and in just a heartbeat, I realized that I liked that feeling…that I loved that feeling…that it was comforting…that I would be just fine feeling that for years.

Timing.

This next year six months may be the wildest I’ve ever experienced, and may just be the wildest for quite some time.  I’m alternating between forgetting that anything is changing to bursting out laughing because I can’t quite grasp it all.  And I keep being blown away by the fact that this is my life. For so many reasons.

And sometime, sometime… in the course of today, I’ve gone from thinking “Oh my gosh, I can’t handle all this change at once!” to thinking “Oh, what the heck! If I’m gonna change one thing, might was well change everything!” (Not sure if that’s good logic or not, but it’s progress of some sort!)

P.S. I keep thinking that I should google one of those Christian books for what questions to ask in a serious relationship. And then I start laughing at myself. Because I threw the rest of the Christian books out the door ages ago, so why would I start now? And because, as much as I would like to be, I just don’t think so many people fit in those molds, and I really don’t think we do!
Disclaimer–I do believe there is value in that kind of book, taken in moderation, for some people, somewhere.

This Surreal Life

Wasn’t that the title of a bad reality show? Hmm…

Anyway, I’m getting the feeling that my life may never stop being surreal and never stop surprising me.

Just when I think I might just possibly have something figured out, something else throws me for a loop.

At this point, there are only two three things I know for sure.

I know that this relationship keeps blowing me away, and I’m amazed that IT is quite possibly the most stable thing in my life. I never saw that coming.

I know that within the next month, we both are going to have to make decisions, or have decisions made for us, that are going to dictate where I (we?) spend the next year, and quite possibly the next two. There are current jobs on the line, at least one possible new job, educational opportunities, housing changes/opportunities. It’s just a little daunting at times. One day at a time…

I know that I love Jesus, and I want to follow Him with others, and I’ve got a renewed hope for dreams that have been pushed to the side for too long. I’m excited to pursue these dreams with friends, new and old!

And maybe that’s all I really need to know. That I need relationships around me (I have great friends, all around), that I can take things one day at a time, that I need to keep running for dreams, and that I love Jesus.

The First… #2

Tonight is the first time that I’m setting my alarm to make sure someone other than me is up for an important meeting.

8:30 a.m. Edit-Ok, so I didn’t actually call or text to make sure that the someone else was up, but I did wake up and pray for him at that point…hopefully that counts!

The First… #1

Tonight was the first time that I wrote my thoughts in an email instead of a blog post.

A new day.

I was just thinking about all of the things that I have to do at work tomorrow, and how much I’m dreading it.

And I made a decision.

Life is too short for a job that I don’t want to be doing, don’t feel called to do, am not giving my best to, often don’t feel like I’m making a difference, and oh yes, really don’t agree with most days.

As I wrote several months ago, I want my life to be about influencing and loving people, from college students, to house church family, to family, to my children and my husband. And while I will very much miss several friendships at my current job, and the flexible schedule, there’s so much more that just isn’t worth it. That just isn’t ministry, isn’t real, isn’t church.

So. Today begins a countdown.

While I’m planning on going to Akron this fall, I still have to be accepted there, so that’s not a done deal. But Kent is. So, one way or another, I think I’m going somewhere in the fall. Or, I’ll be taking another job elsewhere.

If I have anything to do with it, Friday, August 1st will be my last day. That will give me three weeks before classes start to catch up on a lot of things around my house, and get ready for the next stage of my life.

(Small side note. It’s hitting me that the “next stage of my life” may be coming a little sooner than I was thinking. Not quite sure what to do with that.)

I’m kind of proud of myself because for the first time, I was able to say “in a few years, when I’m done with grad. school and in my first real job (funny, I think that might mean I’ve never felt that the current job is real, or permanent…), I’m going to buy myself that for my house.”  Normally, I’m thinking in abstract terms, or things that aren’t quite feasible, like buying myself a hybrid car for my 25th birthday.  (This was later revised to buying a digital SLR camera, but at this point, I’m going to be a grad. student living on loans, so that’s not going to work.  Um…also, almost added something else for what I might be by next January.  Whoa now.  Crazy brain. For the two of you that read this, it probably wasn’t as bad as you are thinking!)

ANYWAY, yesterday I was standing in an antique store in St. Elmo, Illinois (population 1,500!), and came across this book shelf.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a book addict.  And am eagerly awaiting a place to keep said books.  I’ve always liked mission style furniture, and now I know that it goes hand in hand with my favorite style of house, the Craftsman bungalow.  This particular book shelf had a sold sign on it, which may be a good thing, because I really didn’t need to talk myself out of buying a book shelf several states away.  (Even though some ebay research shows that it was a FANTASTIC deal.  Boo for when I go to buy one in the future…)  My fascination was further raised when my dad made a comment about the book shelf in regards to P.H. Welshimer, a very prominent minister at the church I grew up at, and in the Restoration Movement/Christian Church as a whole, and one that both my dad and I have written major research papers on.  Dad said that there is a picture of P.H. standing beside a bookcase just like this one!

(The one is actually an antique, and is quite a bit larger than this one.  But how amazing is this, with the spinning-ness, and the mass amount of books that fit on it!)

I’m really excited to have something to symbolize this new adventure…who knows where I’ll be living in two or three years, and just how my life will be different, but I’m excited to have finally made some decisions!

Abba Father, help me to follow Your will in all things.

Family um….Strangeness #1

At 7:45 a.m., my dad came up to me in the kitchen, and said “I decided to make these cookies and they are too dry.  What do you think is wrong with them?”

Well, I think there are several issues.

First, that you’re making cookies at 7:45 a.m.

Second, that YOU are making cookies.

Third, that you are making cookies on the day we go out of town.

Fourth, that you asked me about said cookie making.  At 7:45. When I am trying to get to work.

Fifth, that you didn’t wait until my mom was awake, because, oh, I don’t know, it was her cookie mix.  And she thought they might not be quite right.

So I think the big issue is that YOU are MAKING COOKIES at 7:45 a.m.  without help.

Two Years…and a Lifetime

Tonight, while driving home and talking about random things, it hit me that I’d almost missed this day.  Over the past month or more I’ve spent some time reading back through old blog posts, marveling at the little and big things that I wrote about.  Just like the quote from Kevin Hendricks in my “About” page, I wrote about some of the huge things, but there are others that I never captured at all.  For example, I never wrote about the first time I went to house church.

But, two years ago today, I wrote about something that happened.  I have no idea why I just knew that it was going to be a key thing, but God did.

“Everything seems to be leading to a crucial decision.  Do I get my real estate license, sell a few houses, pay off my undergrad. loans so I can go to grad. school debt-free?  Or do I follow my heart and passions, and free-lance, doing ministry and taking pictures, and maybe start a business taking pictures of houses for real estate agents to use on their websites, so that the houses actually are represented fairly in their pictures.  Somehow, I can’t fathom getting my license and doing the other things.  Maybe because I know that either A)  I would quickly get back to the super-high-energy real estate personality I used to be, or B)  it would take so much of my energy to run the business of selling (because it’s not my passion anymore) that I would be too drained.  After I write it all out, the whole idea of even getting my license seems ridiculous.  Maybe some of you will have insight to share.

Tonight, ah.  Tonight I found myself in a group of people that truly made me feel at home. I left the parental misunderstanding that ministry, a life of service, and even money, is worlds away from what they know, and was myself, worshipping in my own way, talking ministry, photography, institutional church, crazy expensive buildings (look for that topic coming soon to a blog near you!), and so much more.  I met new friends, and they remind me of the ones I left a week ago, and I can see that while I miss my friends so much, these new friends may be in my life to help me grow so much more in this season.  I left with a huge smile on my face, and am so excited to get to know these people more, and serve side by side with them!

Abba, I praise You for opening doors and windows to creativity, and dreams, and new friendships, and Your creation, and Your children, and You turning the tables over on so much of institutional church.  Thank You for knowing I’m not alone in my thoughts and showing me friends, both near and far, new and old who will dream with me and look toward the future! Amen.”

New friends “who will dream with me and look toward the future.”  I can only shake my head in wonder at that prayer.

P.S.  I’m also so grateful for the old friends that I’ve gotten to know so much more, and for the ways we help each other in life.

Happy Birthday Marie!

Exactly two years ago, on May 12, 2006, I had just returned from college, and over the next year, I really forgot that I hadn’t just landed back here because it was my hometown, but because I really felt called back here.

Here’s a bit of what I wrote that day.

“This week has been difficult in some ways, as I’ve learned that the ministry God called me back here to do (use me to work with several young women from my home church and high school) is going to be harder than I ever thought.  I just can’t believe how so many have gone so far astray.  And I fear the fault lies in how their parents have taught them to know Christ’s message in their heads, but not in their hearts.  And for that I end up having to blame what the American institutional church has become…”

“On the positive side, I’ve found several allies in the most unlikely places, including a girl who, for all intents and purposes, should be completely buried in sin (pretty much how she says it), yet she is as passionate as I am about helping these young women. “

The crazy thing?  I don’t think I had any idea that the day I wrote that post was actually that girl’s birthday!  Now, two years later, Marie, I’m so proud of you for all the things you’ve come through, and how God is continuing to work in your life.  I know it’s not easy, and that there are often tough choices to be made, but you really are making a difference and asking the hard questions and growing.  I’m honored to call you friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I’m getting more accustomed to, and even looking forward to, moments that show me a glimpse of the future, that show me habits or practices that will really help me in the years to come, through different phases of life.

Right now is one of those moments, as it’s 7:15 in the morning, on a Saturday no less, and anyone who knows me at all knows I would probably rather be sleeping. But I’m starting to see the value in going to bed earlier, in order to get up and get things done, either before work or before family members are up. (Note-I didn’t say I’m not having trouble with a few parts of this. Namely, the actual action of going to bed early, say, before midnight, and depending on how much sleep I’ve gotten, the actual action of getting up early at all. So, pretty much what’s there is the desire to get up early. HA! Thinking back though, I don’t think I’ve slept past 9:30 in weeks, which is really impressive considering that I’ve always been able to sleep to noon without thinking twice.)

So today, before anyone else gets up, I’m enjoying a cup of hot tea (I so wish it was coffee, but since we don’t make it in this house normally, it’s easier to limit myself to Sundays. Unless I’m somewhere with flavored creamer…but I digress), and taking some time to do a devotional moment (it’s online, which is both good and bad, but I’m liking it. You can find it here). I’m also working on a lesson on discernment, which is going to be last minute because I forgot I was teaching (CRAP, I didn’t want to make it last minute again!). I’m also looking forward to trying this recipe for church tomorrow.

(Side Note-The fact that I’m preparing a lesson and trying to recipes for CHURCH really excite me and make me happy. Both of those are things that are so drastically different from the churches I’ve grown up in/work in, and I love it! It’s in moments like these that I know I want to raise my family in this kind of church, a house church, that’s so opposite from the megachurch.)

…And now someone’s up and cooking in the kitchen…where I’m sitting at the table, because of the beautiful sunshine pouring in the bay window. Boo.