First, I went to college to study business. (Even though I was talented in business) I realized my passion was more in ministry. I switched my major to a combination of the two that would open doors either way, but I never, ever intended to use my degree (ministry/business, minor in marketing) to work in communications at a megachurch. Back then, I wanted to work in church planting (now I see much of church planting as more of the same corporate-driven, Americanized Christianity as the megachurch-see this as an insane example), but that’s not where I ended up. And realizing that I’m in a place I never intended to be, even though I forgot for a few years that I had made that distinction, has been freeing. Basically, my ministry is completely getting the way of any ministry I want my life to be about.
I’m not alone. See this for proof. I’ll be writing more on this in later posts.
As I think of walking away from the particular religious tradition I’ve grown up in, where my parents, uncle and aunt, grandparents, were all very involved, and fairly well-known, a year ago I could only thinking of walking away for good. Now, I can kind of comprehend coming back. As in, after a break, after working through much of this stuff, if God called me to go back to a Christian church, church plant, or Christian college, I think I might be able to do so. Maybe, maybe not. But I feel like being able to even think of going back is a good thing, a growth thing
My friend and coworker Janelle were discussing “being released” from something the other day, as in “God still has something for me to do here (job, project, friendship, church, etc.) so I can’t leave yet.” But after realizing several of these things over the past few months, today, for the first time, I’m feeling free to move on. In some ways, I’m wrapping things up, and getting more frustrated by the day.
I know many people, and myself at times, argue that in order to change something, you have to be the change, that I’d just be running away. I totally respect that, and I really wish I could. The only problem is that I need to distance myself, to figure out my own beliefs, before I can even respect much of this stuff, before I can even thing of being a major change agent.
As Switchfoot would say,
“I want out of this machine,
it doesn’t feel like freedom
This ain’t my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I’m tired of fighting for just me
This ain’t my American dream. “
-Switchfoot, “American Dream”, off of their Oh! Gravity album
Amen to that. (And yes, I realize they’re talking about money, but think about it. It totally fits American church and/or corporate culture.)
